


el twitterino knows all

by sbiderwoman



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Everyone Is Gay, M/M, Pansexual Peter Parker, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Peter Parker is a Mess, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Trans Peter Parker, Twitter, group chats, the author is low-key on crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2019-11-22 05:58:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 19,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18131204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sbiderwoman/pseuds/sbiderwoman
Summary: another twitter au no one asked forbut to be fair i didn't ask for anyone's opinion either so we're even(thanos? infinity stones? canonical character death? never heard of her)





	1. Who the sweet fuck is Peter Parker?

peetpeet- Peter Parker (enters gc later)

blackwindow- Natasha Romanov

smolgreenbean- Bruce Banner

tincannot- Tony Stark

capmurica- Steve Rogers

metalarmedgay- James Barnes

scarletyeet- Wanda Maximoff

cawcawmf- Clint Barton

birdbutt- Sam Wilson

 

**Irondad - Spiderson**

Irondad- hey kid

Spiderson- hey mr stark! how are you?

Irondad- i'm good. listen, kid. imma do something but you have to promise you won't freak out.

Spiderson- what is it? am i in trouble? i'm sorry i hacked friday! she was just extremely easy to hack and it was just extremely tempting to make her sing ''lift yourself'' by kanye west every time you entered the room.

Irondad- no you're not in trouble.

Irondad- wait

Irondad- you hacked friday?

Spiderson- no i most certainly did not.

Spiderson- aNYWAYS

Spiderson- i trust you mr stark so go ahead.

Irondad- ...

Irondad- alright then

 

 

 

**Heroes with a heart** (group chat)

tincannot- alrighty zeroes

tincannot- i have to introduce you to someone

tincannot- he's nice so don't intimidate him 

_tincannot added peetpeet to the groupchat_

peetpeet- uhm hi

peetpeet- mr stark what is this

capmurica- Tony who is this?

blackwindow- that's peter benjamin parker. he's currently 16 y/o and he attends midtown high. he's of average height, has brown hair and brown eyes, lives with his aunt and interns for tony stark.

tincannot- natasha what the f u c k

blackwindow- friday is surprisingly easy to hack

tincannot- great. now i have two shits that can hack into friday.

smolgreenbean- three shits

cawcawmf- four shits

metalarmedgay- five shits

tincannot- oh woe is me

tincannot- i have been betrayed by my own kin.

peetpeet- wait

peetpeet- hold up

peetpeet- natasha

peetpeet- as in natasha ROMANOV?

blackwindow- well yes.

peetpeet- natasha romanov as in the bLACK WIDOW??????

blackwindow- well

blackwindow- yes.

peetpeet- askdljiakjdasljdk

tincannot- great job nat you just made the kid faint.

peetpeet- NO I'M BACK

peetpeet- MR STARK SIR

peetpeet- DID YOU JUST ADD ME INTO AN AVENGERS GROUP CHAT????????

tincannot- well yes.

peetpeet- oh ok then.

capmurica- Tony. Did you just add a child to our group chat? I also know you don't take interns. Who is this kid?

tincannot- well

tincannot- the thing is

tincannot- care to explain pete

peetpeet- i can tell them?

tincannot- they're the literal avengers ofc you can tell them

peetpeet- well

peetpeet- you see

peetpeet- i'm kinda your friendly neighbourhood spiderman?

blackwindow- ...

capmurica- ...

cawcawmf- ...

birdbutt- ...

scarletyeet- ...

smolgreenbean- ...

metalarmedgay- ...

cawcawmf- i'm sorry w h a t

peetpeet- yeah

capmurica- SPIDERMAN IS 16 YEARS OLD???

capmurica- wait that means two years ago you were fourteen

capmurica- I DROPPED A BUS ON A KID???

peetpeet- a kid with super enhanced strength, hearing, web shooters and a danger warning sense who could snap your neck before you say ''radioactive'' but go off i guess

capmurica- did this child just threaten me?

peetpeet- i guess this teenager* kind of did. no offence mr america sir but i really don't like being called a child.

cawcawmf- i like this one.

 


	2. Everyone would die for Peter Parker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Should Peter get Twitter? Should he not? No one knows.

peetpeet- Peter Parker 

blackwindow- Natasha Romanov

smolgreenbean- Bruce Banner

tincannot- Tony Stark

capmurica- Steve Rogers

metalarmedgay- James Barnes

scarletyeet- Wanda Maximoff

cawcawmf- Clint Barton

birdbutt- Sam Wilson

 

**Heroes with a heart**

 

peetpeet- should i make a twitter for my internship?

tincannot- no 

blackwindow-no

cawcawmf- y e s

birdbutt- no

emtalarmedgay- no

capmurica- No.

smolgreenbean- definitely not

FRIDAY- I do not think that would be a good idea, Peter.

scarletyeet- do it

peetpeet- aw alright then imma do it

peetpeet- for you guys <3

tincannot- what the shit kid

____

guyinthechair- Ned Leeds

mjhatesyou- Michelle Jones

shuriken- Shuri

mercwithamouth- Wade Wilson

arachnopwr- Peter Parker

 

**Super Duper Child Prodigies and a mercenary**

arachnopwr- guys should i make a twitter for my internship

mjhatesyou- you already have 2 twitter accounts

mjhatesyou- do it

guyinthechair- yee

shuriken- this will lead to disaster

shuriken- so, obviously, my answer is yes.

mercwithamouth- uwu do it uwu

arachnopwr- alright thanks you guys <3

guyinthechair- gayyy

mjhatesyou- <3

shuriken- should i be jealous

arachnopwr- very

**____**

 

reindeergames- Loki Odinson

mjolirwielder- Thor Odinson

minorgodling- Peter Parker

notabuggy- Scott Lang

 

**The Odd Ones Out**

 

minorgodling- guys

minorgodling- should i make a twitter for my internship

reindeergames- fuck yes

mjolnirwielder- WHAT IS THIS 'TWITTER' YOU SPEAK OF?

minorgodling- thor you have caps on again

mjolnirwielder- AH YES

mjolnirwielder- IT INDEED SEEMS THAT I DO

mjolnirwielder- HOW UNFORTUNATE

minorgodling- did you forget how to get caps off

mjolnirwielder- NONSENSE

mjolnirwielder- I AM A GOD

mjolnirwielder- I DO NOT MAKE SUCH IDIOTIC MISTAKES

minorgodling- small arrow to your left

mjolnirwielder- I knew that. 

notabuggy- what did tin can say

minorgodling- tony* said no

notabuggy- then i say yes.

notabuggy- doesn't he tell you to call him tony

notabuggy- like

notabuggy- all the time?

minorgodling- he do

notabuggy- how come to everyone, you refer to him as tony

notabuggy- but then to his face you call him mr stark

minorgodling- because

minorgodling- because fuck you that's why

reindeergames- peter w h y

___

 

**Heroes with a heart**

 

peetpeet- it is done

peetpeet- you have been outvoted

peetpeet- i'm making a twitter for the internship

capmurica- peter no

peetpeet- (:<

blackwindow- i stg pete

peetpeet- uwu

___

 

( **Twitter)**

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

mr stark told me not to make a twitter

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

so naturally, i did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So imma keep on writing bcs my parents have guests over and I have nothing to do so bear with me.  
> This one was short but I felt like this was a nice way to end it so yeah   
> a n y w a y s  
> i dunno when i'll introduce Harley. i only know it's definitely going to be within the next three chapters.   
> also  
> o h m y g o d  
> day one of being on ao3 and i'm getting s o m u c h l o v e  
> i'm not used to this


	3. flash is a bully

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which flash is a bully

best intern ever @actualsiintern

ok so this is thors first time at the compound in like a month and the first thing he does is wALK PAST EVERYONE, LOCK HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM AND EAT ALL THE DAMN POP TARTS

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

oh wow sis got the audacity to complain saying we don't got enough pop tarts

 

sheep @woofwoof

how rude of him

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

i know right i feel so unappreciated TwT

 

hannah @notmontana

so wait are you actually tony stark's intern? if you are how come you're the only one of his interns to have a twitter about it?

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

1) maybe i am maybe i'm not i guess we'll never know uwu uwu 2) it's because i'm original and was the first to have the amazing idea to do so

and 3) mr stark t r u s t s me 

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

1) unfortunately you are 2) it's actually because all my other interns signed a disclosure agreement and 3) no i fucking don't

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

yes you do

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

yes i do

___

 

**Heroes with a heart**

 

 

peetpeet- you people can i add a bunch of people on this group chat

tincannot- no

blackwindow- no

capmurica- no

peetpeet- .....please?

tincannot- ...

capmurica- how does he do this

capmurica- i can feel his stare through the screen guilting me into saying yes

blackwindow- goddammit

peetpeet- omg ty!! ilygsm!<333333

scarletyees- i think i just lost my few remaining brain cells reading that text message

_peetpeet added ishurihopeitdoes (Shuri)_

_peetpeet added sparky (Thor Odinson)_

_peetpeet added snekysnek (Loki Odinson)_

_peetpeet added uwuowouwu (Wade Wilson)_

_peetpeet added daddylanglegs (Scott Lang)_

ishurihopeitdoes- peter what is this

snekysnek- oh god

sparky- FRIENDS!

daddylanglegs- pete i stg

uwuowouwu- ･:*:･ﾟ( ͡ºั ͜ʖ ͡ºั )｡･:*:･ﾟ

peetpeet- welcome!

peetpeet- to the avengers group chat!

ishurihopeitdoes- nope

ishurihopeitdoes- i'm out

_ishurihopeitdoes left the group_

peetpeet- oh no she don't

___

 

peterparkour- Peter Parker

mj- Michelle Jones

needleeds- Ned Leeds

moonmoon- Cindy Moon

fasterthansanic- Flash Thompson

abeabeabe- Abe

notbettycooper- Betty Brant

salsaconqueso- Sally

Mr Harrington- Mr Harrington

 

**Thee Deca Team**

 

_peterparkour added whattheshuri_

peterparkour- oh shit

peterparkour- i did not mean to do that

peterparkour- i most certainly did not mean to do that

moon moon- uhh pete who is that?

needleeds- haha pete u finna die

peterparkour- stfu

peterparkour- where the shit is michelle

whattheshuri- peter what is this

fasterthansanic- who's she penis

fasterthansanic- another loser friend of yours?

fasterthansanic- i hope she doesn't pretend to have a fake internship at si?

whattheshuri- excuse you

peterparkour- no shuri stfu

peterparkour- i meant to add you to the avengers gc

peterparkour- I MEAN

_peterparkour deleted 2 messages_

salsaconqueso- yOU'RE IN THE AVENGERS GROUP CHAT?????

peterparkour- what?

peterparkour- no way

fasterthansanic- haha no way penis parker is in the avengers gc

abeabeabe- wait

abeabeabe- shuri rings a bell

abeabeabe- are you famous or something

peterparkour- NO SHE'S NOT

whattheshuri- i mean kinda

peterparkour- SHURI NO

whattheshuri- is being the princess of wakanda considered famous?

moon moon- what what

needleeds- hey shuri

whattheshuri- sup ned

fasterthansanic- yeah no way

fasterhansanic- parker can not be friends with the fricking princess of wakanda

whattheshuri- and why is that?

fasterthansanic- because

fasterthansanic- well it doesn't matter 

fasterthansanic- it's obvious that this is fake

peterparkour- shuri don't do it

whattheshuri- is this the flash?

peterparkour- shuri nO

whattheshuri- the one that's been bothering you?

needleeds- omg flash u boutta die

fasterthansanic- wHAT THE SHIT

whattheshuri- yeah

whattheshuri- such a funny prank

fasterthansanic- HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS

peterparkour- shuri please

whattheshuri- nice to know what you've been watching, flash.

___

**(Twitter)**

 

flash @spiderfan

hey guys! so i've been bullying @pparker who happens to be best friends with @therealshuri. peter accidentally put shuri in one of our group chats and i started bullying peter in front of her fucking face because i'm an entitled pig. anyways, because no one messes with shuri's best friends, she has now hacked into my phone even though she's currently miles away from me, in wakanda. here's my internet history! enjoy!

https://www.pornhub.com

https://www.archive-of-our-own.com/starker/father-son-incest/

https://www.roblox.com

https://www.google.com/how-to-get-spiderman-to-notice-you

https://www.youtube.com/let-it-go/frozen

https://www.google.ch/hentai

https://www.buzzfeed.com/ten-reasons-why-all-non-heterosexuals-should-go-to-hell

https://www.google.com/does-si-give-internships-to-highschools

**(AU. I don't think these are real links. I'm just a young girl. My innocent eyes haven't seen the horrors lying in these webpages.)**

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

i find this extremely disturbing

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

also consider any chance you had of working at si gone, as well as any chance of getting into a decent college

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

no one messes with my fucking kid

 

MJ @justcallmemj

i'm dating a queen

>>Shuri @therealshuri

<333

 

Nat @actuallyblackwidow

consider yourself dead, pretty boy. no one messes with our family

>>>Loki @snektickler

       I'm in

>>>>>snek tamer @pparker

             guys we've talked about this. no killing underaged children.

 

FRIDAY @friday

It seems all the avengers are extremely mad. I have shut down their phones and locked hem in the room to prevent them from taking drastic measures. @spiderfan I suggest you change your identity and move country as soon as possible for your own physical and mental safety.

___

 

**Thee Deca Team**

 

fasterthansanic- what the fuck

whattheshuri- never mess with my friends again

mj- wow babe that was kinda hot

whattheshuri- thanks babe <3

whattheshuri- if you ever lay a single finger on any of my friends a hacked phone will be the very least of your problems

_whattheshuri has left the chat_

peterparkour- okkkk

peterparkour- bye

___

 

snek tamer @pparker

ok @therealshuri i love you to death but w h a t  t h e  f u c k. 

 

snek tamer @pparker

you just unleashed the fucking armageddon 

 

snek tamer @pparker

looks like ragnarok has come early whoop whoop

___

 

**Heroes with a heart**

 

_peetpeet added ishurihopeitdoes_

peetpeet- s t a y

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my last update for today. it is currently 01:57am so if my writing kinda sucks you know why.  
> on the next chapter i'll try to focus a bit more on twitter and then on the now after i'll probably introduce harley.   
> a n y w a y s  
> i'm kinda tired so   
> GOODNIGHT PEOPLES  
> -sbiderwoman


	4. all the avengers are gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which the avengers go on an angry gay twitter rant

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

I will kill them all

 

hannah @notmontana

oh shit

 

sheep @woofwoof

i'm going to go ahead and assume 'them' are the avengers

 

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

you assumed correct.

 

snek tamer @pparker

oh no peps don't kill them :(((((

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

what did i do??????

 

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

YOU CALLED HIM YOUR KID ON A PUBLIC SOCIAL MEDIA FORUM

 

judy hopps @spideyfanconfirmed

yeah what's up with that

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

THAT BRAT WAS BULLYING *OUR KID

 

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

YES BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT! YOU COULD HAVE DEALT WITH IT MORE PRIVATELY! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY QUESTIONS THAT'LL RAISE? POOR PETER WILL BE FLOODED WITH REPORTERS

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

I didn't do anything Pepper please spare me!

 

Shuri @therealshuri

i'm sorry pepper

 

sheep @woofwoof

shit even her non-kids are fucking terrified

 

Scarlet Queen @wandawanda

she's scary

 

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

I have a fiancée

 

Scarlet Queen @wandawanda

and i have a gf f i t e  m e

 

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

The only person I feel like incinerating right now is my dear fiancée. @TonyStark no coffee for two weeks.

>>>Tony Stark @TonyStark

        NO PLEASE PEPS IM S O R R Y ANYTHING BUT THAT

>>>>>Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

            You have brought this upon yourself.

___

best intern ever @actualsiintern

tony hasn't left his room in two days.

 

judy hopps @spideyfanconfirmed

oh shit 

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

he says he lost his will to live

 

judy hopps @spideyfanconfirmed

oH S H I T

 

Spidey @wallcrawler

@PepperPots come get cho man

 

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

@TonyStark stop being such a drama queen.

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

no

___

 

richard @whatthefuckrichard

OHMYGOD SPIDEY IS MY K I N G

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

what the shit did he do

 

TONY STARK REPLIED TO MY TWEET @whatthefuckrichard

(1/3) OK SO TODAY IS PRIDE DAY AND I GOT CORNERED BY THESE THUGS BECAUSE I'M GAY

 

TONY STARK REPLIED TO MY TWEET @whatthefuckrichard

(2/3) AND SPIDEY JUST CAME OUTTA  N O W H E R E

 

TONY STARK REPLIED TO MY TWEET @whatthefuckrichard

(3/3) WEARING THE FUCKING PAN FLAG AND SHRECKED THEM

 

judy hopps @spideyfanconfirmed

omg spider being pan just made every gay's day 

 

Spider @wallcrawler

you guys didn't know i'm pan???

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

no because the us government is shit

 

caw caw bitches @actuallyhawkeye

MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW I'M DEAF

 

sheep @woofwoof

wait you're deaf? 

 

caw caw bitcher @actuallyhawkeye

S E E

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

us superheroes are not perfect. we are portrayed as something we are not because otherwise ''some citizens might get nervous''

 

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

@TonyStark is bisexual and suffers from PTSD, @PepperPotts is trans, @samfalcon and @bbanner are gay, @wandawanda and @actuallyblackwidow are frustrated lesbians and @wallcrawler is trans and pan, as well as having anxiety and suffering from PTSD. @actuallyhawkeye is deaf and @JBBarnes is an amputee. 

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

not to mention @snektickler and @sparky come from Midgard where genders and sexuality aren't even a thing

 

snek tamer @pparker

you failed to mention you're the biggest gay twink who faints every time they're in the same room as @JBBarnes and slams into walls staring at their ass

 

Buck @JBBarnes

you don't want to know how many times i've had to pull my husband out of fights with homophobes.

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

TRUMP IS A HOMOPHOBIC LITTLE SHIT

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

YALL TRUMP SUPPORTERS SAYING HE CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS COUNTRY BETTER THAN US

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

AS IF HE WON'T START WWIII THE SECOND WE TURN OUR BACKS WITH THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY, MEXICANS AND MUSLIMS INSTEAD OF JEWS

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

THIS IS THE 21ST CENTURY. I DIDN'T FREEZE FOR OVER 60 YEARS FOR THIS BEHAVIOUR TO STILL BE ALLOWED IN THE US

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

omg i'm crying

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

oh no don't cry :,((( we love and respect the lgbtq community.

 

flash @spiderfan

omg you're all fags. this is disgusting. i can't believe i looked up to fucking faggots smh

 

Spidey @wallcrawler

i'll remember this next time you're in an elevator about to drop to your inevitable death

 

flash @spiderfan

no not you i respect you

 

Spidey @wallcrawler 

uhm no. just because you respect me won't change the fact that your a homophobic, sexist bully. i'm sorry but this kind of behaviour is unacceptable 

 

MJ @justcallmemj

damn @spiderfan you just got your ass handed by your idol

 

flash @spiderfan

stfu fag

 

Shuri @therealshuri

what the fuck did you just say

 

snek tamer @pparker 

shuri please

 

Shuri @therealshuri

this is your last fucking warning. next time you insult a n y o n e i will cut off your testicles and shove them down your throat. am i making myself clear?

 

flash @spiderfan

crystal

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

fucking stan

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so hi  
> imma introduce harley in the next chapter  
> i have to study though and then i have school so i'm not sure when that's gonna come  
> i'm just a smol girl trying my best i'm s o r r y  
> a n y w a y s  
> being bisexual myself, i think having someone you look up to be part of the lgbtq community is extremely inspiring.  
> also i hope none of you know me irl because i haven't come out yet TwT  
> moving on  
> i hope you people enjoyed this chapter. i have no idea what i'm writing at this point. it's all 100% improvisation.  
> sue me  
> don't actually plez  
> OK SO THAT'S ALL LOVELY PEOPLE  
> CHEERIO  
> -sbiderwoman


	5. @potatogunkid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which peter spills the tea and gets introduced to harley

harley @potatogunkid

hi so i just made a twitter and i'd like to start off by saying that when i was 12 tony stark broke into my garage.

___

harley @potatogunkid

oh wow i already have 20 followers i have been b l e s s e d

___

snek tamer @pparker

w h o  t h e  f u c k  a t e  m y  e g g o s

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

it's not me kid i haven't done anything i'm innocent

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

Me neither kid spare me. But I bet Nat knows.

 

snek tamer @pparker

if anyone doesn't come forth i will be forced to spill the tea

 

sheep @woofwoof

spill the tea on what

 

snek tamer @pparker

on their deepest, darkest secrets

 

judy hopps @spideyfanconfirmed

yes please

 

God Of Thunder @sparky

What are these 'eggos' you speak of?

 

bird superhero n1 @samfalcon

GAYS THIS IS A EMERGENCY WHOEVER ATE THOSE EGGOS COME FORTH AND YOU WILL NOT BE HARMED

 

bird superhero n1 @samfalcon

i meant to say guys but whatever that works too

 

snek tamer @pparker

i ' m  g e t t i n g  i m p a t i e n t

 

Nat @actuallyblackwidow

peter please spare us

 

caw caw bitches @actuallyhawkeye 

no one is safe

 

green beans @bbanner

PETER NO ONE KNOWS WHERE YOUR DAMN EGGOS ARE DON'T TAKE EVERYONE DOWN WITH YOU

 

snek tamer @pparker

...

 

snek tamer @pparker

alright well since no one has come forth i guess i'll just start with our dear friend bruce banner

 

green beans @bbanner

N O

 

snek tamer @pparker

did you guys know that once dear brucie was carrying some extremely dangerous chemicals and he tripped and set a whole floor on fire because he was staring at thor working out in a tank top?

 

God Of Thunder @sparky

I?????? Thank you????

 

snek tamer @pparker

speaking of thor, did you know he was once carried to the emergency room because he choked on a pop tart whilst staring at bruce?

 

green beans @bbanner

aksjdhjkhsajkhkja

 

Nat @actuallyblackwidow

oh wow he's showing no mercy

 

Nat @actuallyblackwidow

wait shit why did i say anything

 

snek tamer @pparker

ah, nat

 

snek tamer @pparker

did you know she sings in the shower?

 

snek tamer @pparker

and not just any songs. disney songs.

 

snek tamer @pparker

she also has a picture of wanda in her wallet

 

Scarlet Queen @wandawanda

im?????? thank you??????

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

STOP! STOP THIS! LOKI STOLE YOUR DAMN EGGOS!

 

Loki @snektickler

:(

 

snek tamer @pparker

oh, loki

 

snek tamer @pparker

you really shouldn't have done that

 

Loki @snektickler

:(((((

 

snektickler @pparker

loki is actually a huge softie. he cried his eyes out when we saw the greatest showman and his favourite movie genre are rom-coms. his favourite cereal are lucky charms (the ones with the marshmallows in them) and he has a h u g e stuffed unicorn in his room, which is painted pink.

 

Loki @snektickler

nooooo my reputation :(((((((((((((((

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

damn he really went all out

 

snek tamer @pparker

no one touches my fucking eggos

___

 

harley @potatogunkid

so since my life is fucking boring and i have nothing to post i'll just remind you that anthony edward stark broke into my garage 5 years ago and that i shot him with a potato gun.

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark 

will you ever let me live this down

 

harley @potatogunkid

no

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

you're exasperating

 

harley @potatogunkid

you love me, old man

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

maybe a little.

___

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

hey @pparker do you know @potatogunkid

 

snek tamer @pparker

no why

 

harley @potatogunkid

i was summoned

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

you both seem kinda close to @TonyStark

 

harley @potatogunkid

idk tony's never mentioned a parker

 

snek tamer @pparker 

hold up your name rings a bell

 

snek tamer @pparker

OHHHH YOU'RE THAT KID

 

harley @potatogunkid

????

___

@pparker >>> @potatogunkid

 

@pparker- you're the kid who shot him with a potato gun when he broke into your garage during the mandarin dude's attack

@potatogunkid- that's literally on my twitter you could be lying

@pparker- wait hold up

@pparker- harley keener, 17ish, lives in tennessee with your mom and sister

@pparker- mr stark says hi

@potatogunkid- maybe you're just some creepy stalker hacking into the government's files

@pparker- he also says you're a little shit

@potatogunkid- ok i believe you

___

 

snek tamer @pparker

yeah i've heard about him. he's a great dude

 

harley @potatogunkid

right back at you

 

sheep @woofwoof

oh ok then

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

omg you introduced them

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

there's a reason i never introduced them myself.

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

y o u ' v e  k i l l e d  u s  a l l

 

snek tamer @pparker

>:D

___

@pparker >>> @potatogunkid

 

@pparker- 2855944057

@potatogunkid- wass dat

@pparker- my number

@potatogunkid- why???

@pparker- because mr stark didn't want us to meet

@pparker- so we obviously are

@potatogunkid- preach 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya!!  
> so i finally introduced harley!!!   
> i don't have much to say so  
> bye lovely people!  
> -sbiderwoman


	6. new phone who dis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which peter calls harley

beterbarker- Peter Parker

hrlyknr- Harley Keener

___

(6:27pm)

hrlyknr- hi?

hrlyknr- this is harley

beterbarker- harley.

beterbarker- i've been expecting you

beterbarker- ok so the plan goes like this: we learn stuff about each other just to make sure we're not potential murderers and then you fly over here and we cause mayhem all over the compound.

hrlyknr- that,,,,,,,,,works???

hrlyknr- count me in

beterbarker- allright

beterbarker- imma call you so don't freak out

hrlyknr- aye aye cap'n

 

Even though he'd been warned, he still flinched when the phone started ringing. I mean, how could he not. He was about to talk to  _the Peter Parker_. Alright, so he might have been lying when he said he didn't know any Parkers. In fact, the infamous 'Peter Parker' was basically all Tony spoke about when he was with him. He was definitely not jealous of that though. Not even a little bit. Reluctantly, he answered the call and pressed the phone against his ear.

''Hello?'' he called, maybe way too loudly. Maybe not. Doesn't matter.

''Hi? Harley? Harley Keener?'' 

Harley was definitely surprised. The voice on the other side did not belong to as boy who was 4 months younger than him. In fact, if Tony hadn't told him he was a 16- almost 17- year old teenager, Harley would have mistaken him for a 12 year old.  _It was fucking adorable._

''New phone who dis'' he blurted out. Great. First time speaking to him and he had already embarrassed himself.

''Funny.'' answered the voice on the other side of the line. Harley could practically hear the eyeroll.

''I can practically hear the eyeroll.'' 

''Good. Never has an eyeroll been more destined for someone''

''I resent that.''

''Whatever. Anyways. Tell me something about you, Harley Keener.''

''Well, uhm, I'm 17 and live in Tennessee. I have my mom, Macy Keener, and my sister, Abbie Keener. In fact, she's behind me right now making kissy faces. Shut the fuck up, Abbie. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I fall in desperate and forbidden love with every single heterosexual male I see.''

_''Please''_ Comes Abbie's sarcastic 12 y/o voice from besides him.

_What the actual shit is wrong with me. I literally just admitted I was gay. And why in the seven realms did I tell him about my little sister making kissy faces? He's probably so grossed out and will never talk to me again. Why can't i do ANYTHING_ _right-_

His unhelpful self-criticism was interrupted by muffled laughter on the other side of the line.

''Stop patronising me. I never said I was straight.'' teases the  _fucking adorable_ voice belonging to PETER PARKER.

His heart stops beating for a second. ''Are you?''

''I don't know if I should tell you. I wouldn't want to make you  _keener_.''

_Oh my god._

''Oh my god. Is that even a word?''

''Of course it is, you illiterate fuck.''

'' _language''_ came a muffled voice from Peter's side. 

''Shut up, Cap, you undeniable hypocrite''

'' _This is homophobia''_

''Well this is also transphobia and panphobia **(** **AN. Panphobia as in the fear of pansexuals, not the fear of everything)**. Square up, sis.'' Came Peter's perky reply.

_Oh. So he's transgender. That would explain the squeaky voice. And he's also pansexual. I've always had a thing for pansexuals. God fucking d_ _AMNIT._

Harley, who had stayed silent during the whole encounter, decided to speak up.

''Waaaaaait. Hold up. Cap as in CAPTAIN FRICKING AMERICA?''

''Yeah'' he responded sheepishly. ''uhh, about that.'' Harley and Peter spent the next four hours talking. He told him about how Anthony Edward Stark broke into his garage when he was twelve. About how most of the kids here make fun of him because of his sexuality ( _''bullshit. I will fly myself over there and whoop their asses''. He was a d o r a b l e when he was angry.)_. About how there was nothing to do here, so he spent his days tinkering with cars, discarded microwaves and useless scrap metals. He even tells him about his dad. Or, rather, the fact that his dad walked out. 

Peter told him about how he lives wth his aunt and attends Midtown School of Science and Technology, a ''school for socially privileged and genius minorities'', as he had said. He told him about his best friends MJ and Ned and his bully, Eugene 'Flash' Thompson. He told him about the troubles of being one of the school's resident non-heteros, which consisted mainly of homophobic first-class families (the school, that is). He told him how Tony had found him and offered him an 'internship', and about how they had kind-of-but-not-really grown close and how he now lived in the tower on weekends and when his aunt was away (He was slightly less jealous now. Not that he was jealous at all to begin with.) He then told him his tragic backstory. How both his parents died when he was six, how he saw his uncle get shot in front of him, and how he now lives with his aunt May and sometimes with  _Mr. Stark_ ( _Oh. My. Fucking. God. He calls him Mr. Stark. COULD HE GET ANY CUTER)_  

He also told him about Spiderman.

Which, happened by accident.

When  _Mr. Stark_ (he still didn't believe he called his almost-father that) entered the room and asked who he was talking to and Peter answered ''Harls'' (he definitely didn't blush) Tony groaned and left the room sulking. That was when Peter decided he could  _definitely_ trust him.

(Harley may or may not have fanboy-ed a little. Whatever.)

''and then- awww man''

''What is it?'' questioned Harley.

''It's like, 3 am, and i haven't done any school for homework tom- I mean, homework for school tomorrow. This is all your fault, Harley.''

Harley smirked and shook his head.'' Well, here in Rose Hill, Tennessee, we're one hour in front of you lazy New Yorkers. Square up, sis.'' 

''Yeah, well, I would like to be able to get up and actually go to school.''

''Only you, Pete, only you.''

''Rude. Alright then, I'll call you, uhh, tomorrow? Maybe? Or today, technically. Only if you want to, though. Because, uhh, I wouldn't want to-''

Harley interrupted the stuttering mess with a laugh.

''Call me whenever you want, Pete''

''Oh. Ok then. So, uhh, goodnight? I guess?''

''Goodnight, dork''

That night, he drifted off into a dreamless sleep with a smile on his face.

___

 Irondad >>> Spiderson

Spiderson- harley is coming over

Spiderson- idk when but we already established that he's coming over.

Irondad- kid wtf it's almost three am

Irondad- sleep

Spiderson- that's extremely hypocritical of you to say.

Irondad- you have school tomorrow

Spiderson- yes well you have life tomorrow and you still don't sleep some get

Spiderson- get some shleep

Spiderson- slep

Spiderson- s l e e p

Irondad- that,,,,,,,,, doesn't even make sense

Spiderson- life doesn't make sense

Irondad- ffs pete sleep or i stg you will never ever get to meet the blue eyed gay disaster that is harley keener

Spiderson- noted

___

 

snek tamer @pparker

it's been established. harley keener is coming to nycd.

 

judy hopps @actualspideyfan

wait hold up didn't you two unofficially meet two days ago

 

snek tamer @pparker

your point???????

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

go.to.sleep

 

snek tamer @pparker

it's free real estate

 

Nat @actuallyblackwidow

go to sleep, peter

 

snek tamer @pparker

yes ma'am

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

how the shit 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i have lots of things to say so bear with me  
> 1) this is not the first time i've actually wrote with actual words and phrases but i still suck at it so i'll try to stick to the social media format for your own mental health :,D  
> 2) i was browsing?????? harley keener/peter parker works?????? and i came across some father/twins incest????? and i know some people may like it but????? i forgot to read the tags????? and the summary looked harmless?????? and i'm scarred??????? i'm not saying that it's wrong and disgusting and what not you people can get off to it all you want but my 13 y/o mind was not ready for that????????  
> 3)i don't know if this is promoting but i read this fan fiction and it mad me c r y (https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/41781491?show_comments=true&view_full_work=false#comment_216470780) it was that beautiful.  
> 4) it's currently 12:51 pm on a school night, i have three exams tomorrow in phys-chem, history and english and i've barely studied i stg ao3 is a blessing and a c u r s e.
> 
> ok so that was long but i felt like these things needed to be acknowledged. i'm sorry for not updating earlier, it's just that this week is the last week of first half term of the second half term (yea our school's weird like that) and my grades almost everywhere suck and i'm kind of having panic attacks every two periods but it's ok :)))))))
> 
> ALLRIGHT MOST OF YOU DON'T EVEN READ THIS SO  
> HAVE A NICER WEEK THAN ME (hopefully)  
> -sbiderwoman


	7. disappointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which peter loses his faith in humanity and harley restores it

snek tamer @pparker

NO. THIS IS BULL. WHAT THE F U C K

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

Language.

 

snek tamer @pparker

STFU 

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

That was just rude and uncalled for.

 

harley @potatogunkid

for anyone looking for an explanation, we just saw the two percy jackson movies together.

 

guy in the chair @spideystan

together?

 

harley @potatogunkid

via skype

 

MJ @justcallmemj

hm

 

guy in the chair @spideystan

 

hm indeed

 

snek tamer @pparker

YOU CALL THAT PERCY JACKSON? THAT IS NOT PERCY JACKSON. THAT IS A BUNCH OF GREEK DEMIGODS GOING ON ADVENTURES. THE MOVIES HAVE LITERALLY N O T H I N G TO DO WITH THE BOOKS. I'M SO FUCKING DISAPPOINTED. THIS IS THE W O R S T TIMELINE.

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

OMG I KNOW. HAVE YOU SEEN THE DIVERGENT SERIES THOUGH?????? THE DIRECTORS JUST THREW AWAY THE LITTLE FAITH IN HUMANITY I HAD.

 

snek tamer @pparker

WHY.ARE.PEOPLE.SO.INACCURATE.

_____

 

notaleeder- Ned Leeds

mfuckingj- Michelle Jones

harleyqueener- Harley Keener

beterbarker- Peter Parker

 

**This gc was created solely for the purpose of ranting**

harleyqueener- let it all out, pete

beterbarker- ALL THE FUCKING ACTORS ARE 20 YEARS OLD

beterbarker- THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE THE 12 Y/O THEY WERE S U P P O S E D TO BE BUT LIKE FUCKING 20 Y/0

mfuckingj- go on

beterbarker- THEY DID NOT HAVE THE BATHROOM SCENE. I C A N N O T BELIEVE THEY DIDN'T FILM THE BATHROOM EXPLODING IN CLARISSE'S BULKY BITCH FACE. AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE SCENE WHERE THEY ACT ALL CONFUSED N SHIT AFTER PERCY KILLED THE FUCKING FURY OR WHATEVER.

notaleeder- shhhhh it's ok

beterbarker-THEY DID NOT FILM THE MONSTER DONUT SCENE. THEY DID NOT FILM THE PINK POODLE SCENE. THE JUMPING OFF OF THE GRAND ARCH SCENE. THE GOING TO THE WATERPARK BECAUSE OF ARES SCENE. THE BED-STRETCHER SCENE.  _PERSEPHONE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO KEEP GROVER IN THE UNDERWORLD._ THEY DIDN'T EVEN FILM THE FUCKING ICONIC ASS PERCY JACKSON FIGHTING ARES SCENE.

beterbarker- A N N A B E T H  I S N ' T  E V E N  B L O N D 

beterbarker- thank you for coming to my ted talk

harleyqueener- yea i kinda agree with you on that one

beterbarker- god has truly abandoned us.

mfuckingj- that's a bit overdramatic

beterbarker- bitch f i t e  m e

notaleeder- ooooooooh

harleyqueener- if i told you something super duper exciting, would your faith in humanity be restored

beterbarker- unless it's something super extraordinary, such as flash being nice, my parents coming back to life or you flying over here i don't think so no

harleyqueener- well...

notaleeder- omfg no w a y

mfuckingj- really?

beterbarker- *gasp*

beterbarker- ARE MY PARENTS ALIVE

harleyqueener- no you depressive asshat

beterbarker- rude

harleyqueener- i'm coming over next month 

harleyqueener- for the rest of the school year

harley queener- and i will be going to midtown

mfuckingj-....

beterbarker- AUIGDFSHOANL

notaleeder- i think you just gave him a heart attack

beterbarker- i can see colours again

___

Spiderson>>> Irondad

Spiderson- really?

Irondad- yes

Spiderson- rEALLY??

Irondad- yes

Spiderson- reALLy'?''????1??11?1??

Irondad- kid you have an iq the same hight as mount everest stop typing like you're having an aneurism

Spiderson- OMG TY SO MUCH DAD ILY OIQHASJBAOSIF

Irondad- ...

Spiderson- i- i mean

Spiderson- uhm

Irondad- you're welcome, son

____

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

>;D

 

snek tamer @pparker

>;D

 

harley @potatogunkid

>;D

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

oh god i'm already terrified

 

sheep @woofwoof

i ship it

 

hannah @notmontana

**#** parley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I M S O R R Y FOR NOT UPDATING OFTEN  
> I'VE JUST BEEN SUPER BUSY WITH STUFF  
> it's kinda really late here   
> on a school night  
> (i'm such a gangsta living a thug life)  
> so sorry if the chapter is complete and utter craziness  
> hskdhjfk  
> no but for real though i really am disappointed in the pjo movies  
> k that's all   
> h a v e a n i c e d a y  
> -sbiderwoman


	8. the one where peter loses his innocence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter is v v traumatised. idk what's even happening at this point. just,,,,,, don't sue me.

snek tamer @pparker

O H  M Y  G O D

 

snek tamer @pparker

MY INNOCENCE. MY PRECIOUS INNOCENCE JUST GOT SNATCHED RIGHT OUT OF MY GRIP. 

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

what happened

 

snek tamer @pparker

I WALKED IN ON NOT ONE. BUT T W O NEW AVENGER COUPLES

 

snek tamer @pparker

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE GONE ON THAT TWITTER RANT. NO EGGOS WILL EVER RETRIEVE MY INNOCENCE

 

Nat @actuallyblackwidow

i'm so sorry kid

 

Scarlet Queen @wandawanda

noooo pete forgive me i'm s o r r y ;-;

 

harley @potatogunkid

w a i t

 

God Of Thunder @sparky

well in my defence young peter we weren't exactly being quiet

 

green beans @bbanner

not. the. time. thor

 

harley @potatogunkid

are you trying to tell my mortal ears that you, peter benjamin parker, walked in on watasha AND thruce?

 

harley @potatogunkid

damn y'all avengers are n a s t y

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

not the time kid

 

green beans @bbanner

how did that even happen 

 

snek tamer @pparker

wELL WATASHA WEREN'T EXACTLY BEING TOO FUCKING SUBTLE GOING AT IT IN THE TRAINING ROOM'S EQUIPMENT STORAGE CUPBOARD AND THEN I LEFT AND LOCKED MYSELF IN A RANDOM ROOM. WHICH GUESS FUCKING WHAT. IT WAS THE ROOM WHERE THRUCE 'WEREN'T EXACTLY BEING QUIET'. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE DID. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY F U C K I N G DID. THEY JUST LOOKED AT ME. NO 'OH SORRY PETE FOR TAKING AWAY YOUR LAST MOMENTS OF CHILDHOOD'. NOT EVEN A SIMPLE 'SORRY'. NO.

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

guys what the shit why did you traumatise my kid

 

snek tamer @pparker

it's on. every avenger that aren't you heathens vs said heathens. you started this war.

 

Scarlet Queen @wandawanda

oh it's on

 

Shuri @therealshuri

wHeN wiLL yOu LeaRn

 

snek tamer @pparker

tHat yOuR acTioNs hAVe cONsEQuEncES?????1??1

 

sheep @woofwoof

i stan an iconic memelord

_______

 

peetpeet- Peter Parker 

blackwindow- Natasha Romanov

smolgreenbean- Bruce Banner

tincannot- Tony Stark

capmurica- Steve Rogers

metalarmedgay- James Barnes

scarletyeet- Wanda Maximoff

cawcawmf- Clint Barton

birdbutt- Sam Wilson

ishurihopeitdoes- Shuri

snekysnek- Loki Odinson

sparky- Thor Odinson

uwuowouwu- Wade Wilson

daddylanglegs- Scott Lang

 

_**Heroes with a heart** _

peetpeet- fast five favourite for whoever wants to say: food superhero animal band/singer weather

peetpeet- pizza tony stark pegapi hamilton soudtrack sun

tincannot- fettuccine alfredo spidey jellyfish AC/DC rain

peetpeet- rain?

tincannot- you people can't bully me to get out of my lab because it's ''beautiful outside'' when it's raining

peetpeet- i don't know if you are being sarcastic or not and it scares me. are you doing ok?

tincannot- don't fucking contradict me

smolgreenbean- mac c cheese thor horses beethoven rain

peetpeet- w h y  d o  y o u  a l l  l i k e  r a i n  s o  m u c h

smolgreenbean- because then i can cuddle with thor in peace

sparky- <3

smolgreenbean- <33333

sparky- <3333333333333333333333333333

smolgreenbean- <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

sparky- <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

peetpeet- g e t  o u t

smolgreenbean- n o

blackwindow- ben n jerry wanda gazelles fob v v sun

peetpeet- ''v v sun'' -Natasha Romanoff, internationally known Badass(tm) spy

peetpeet- at least you don't like the rain because of some lame ass excuse like getting hot with your gf

blackwindow- bitch excuse you

blackwindow- i love rain too but i also happen to enjoy seeing wanda in a bikini

scarletyeet- *blush*

peetpeet- why did i ever get you people together

blackwindow- you love us

peetpeet- maybe s o

scarletyeet- cluj style cabbage nat giraffe taylor swift misty

blackwindow- <33333

peetpeet- i don't know what 'cluj style cabbage' is but it has the word 'cabbage' in it.

peetpeet- therefore it is invalid

scarletyeet: D,: 

peetpeet: also why the shit is your fav animal the giraffe????

scarletyeet: stop questioning my lifestyle you're making me uncomfortable

capmurica- apple pie bucky dogs fob sunny

ishurihopeitdoes- that is,,,,,,,,, so american

daddylanglegs- yo can i just say mr righteous tries to act all cool and suave but irl he watches totally spies at 3am in the morning

capmurica- t h a t  w a s  c l a s s i f i e d  i n f o r m a t i o n  y o u  a s s h o l e

ishurihopeitdoes-asdjasid anyways

ishurihopeitdoes- can you broken white boys shut your fucks for a sec so that i can answer the question

snekysnek- no

tincannot- no

capmurica- no

scarletyeet- no

blackwindow- no

sparky- no

uwuowouwu- ღ(¯`◕‿◕´¯) ♫ ♪ ♫ ₦Ø ♫ ♪ ♫ (¯`◕‿◕´¯)ღ

metalarmedgay- no

daddylanglegs- no

cawcawmf- no

birdbutt- no

peetpeet- yea go ahead

ishurihopeitdoes- <3

ishurihopeitdoes- ok so uhm

ishurihopeitdoes- black liquorice spidey humuhumunukunukuapua heathers and dear evan hansen soundtrack snow

peetpeet- what the fuck shuri

blackwindow- is she for real

ishurihopeitdoes- ???????

tincannot- her favourite food is actually black liquorice? she's not just,,,,, fucking with us?

ishurihopeitdoes- why???? what's wrong with black liquorice

cawcawmf- omg

peetpeet- this is the worst timeline

metalarmedgay- god has truly abandoned us

uwuowouwu- yEs riP sTaN LeE pResS 'F' tO paY REspEctS

capmurica- who tf is stan lee

peetpeet- goddammit wade not again

______

 

 

beterbarker- harls

beterbarker- harls

beterbarker- harls

beterbarker-harls

hrlyknr- w h a t

beterbarker- fast five favourite

beterbarker- food superhero animal band/singer weather

hrlyknr- is this the reason why you woke me up 

beterbarker- yes now answer 

hrlyknr- pizza iron man or spidey racoons black keys snow

beterbarker- .....you like spidey?

beterbarker- like

beterbarker- actually like him and not just because you're texting him but because you find him cool and interesting and whatnot?

hrlyknr- yeah dude

beterbarker- oh ok um

beterbarker- ihavetogoilltextyoulaterbye

____

snek tamer @pparker

omg i'm so gay it's not even funny

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

i ship it

 

snek tamer @pparker

i blocked him on this twitter acc so he can't see this but i'm so fucking gay for this kid and i haven't even met him i don't know what he looks like s e n d  h e l p 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I M S O R R Y F O R N O T U P D A T I N G  
> i've been busy with stuffs though and i k n o w that's not exactly a good explanation but i have a life so sue me.  
> my chapters are starting to make less and less sense. i think the sleep deprivation is finally getting to me.  
> anyways, enjoy this incoherent mumbo jumbo i wrote without double checking at 3:47am on Friday night.  
> Love you all (as much as you can love an individual you've never met, seen or heard)  
> -sbiderwoman


	9. last one with flash i promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the last one with flash i promiso

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

6 years. 6 years I haven't been on earth and the first thing my best friend Maria Rambeau tells me is that I should get a twitter.

 

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

I KNOW WHAT TWITTER IS MAR. I'M TECHNICALLY ONLY 35.  **(AN. I know it's twenty four years from captain marvel till infinity war. i just want to write a nice fic let me live)** I BROUGHT A PHONE WITH ME TO SPACE. I K N O W WHAT'S UP.

 

sasha @sashglittersass

lmao is she for real

 

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

I don't know, Sasha. Am I?

 

sasha @sashglittersass

o shit she probably is

 

Nicholas Furry @nickfury

Welcome back, Carol! It's nice to finally see you again.

 

Nicholas Furry @nickfury

Also who the shit changed my name.

 

spidey @sbiderman

lmao yeet

 

Shuri @therealshuri

O_O

 

Nicholas Furry @nickfury

How do I change it?

 

spidey @sbiderman

crop that and imma crop you

 

Shuri @therealshuri

what he said

 

Nicholas Furry @nickfury

I feel attacked.

 

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

Anyways. Hi Twitter.

 

spidey @sbiderman

KSJSKSJSKJSKS OMG AM I DREAMING

 

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

No, I'm pretty sure you aren't

 

spidey @sbiderman

iS THIS THE ACTUAL CAROL DANVERS CAPTAIN MARVEL SUPERHERO KICKASS FEMALE SUPREME

 

musica @mramboodle

lmao calm down she's actually a huge dork

 

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

Shhhhh Lieutenant Trouble don't expose me.

 

spidey @sbiderman

i did my sixth grade research project on you ma'am i am beyond honoured to not actually unofficially meet you through twitter and grandpa eyepatch

 

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

You have a grandchild, Fury?

 

Nicholas Furry @nickfury

Yes. Yes, I do.

____

 

beterbarker- hey harls

beterbarker- hey harls

beterbarker- hey keener

beterbarker- harley keener

beterbarker- babe

hrlyknr- yee

beterbarker- i don't know how you look like

hrlyknr- so

hrlyknr- idk how u look like either

beterbarker- well my identity is secret for a reason

beterbarker- now s h o w

hrlyknr- no

beterbarker- what do i have to do to get you to show me your beautiful face

hrlyknr- SKJSKSJKSKJSKSJKS MY FASCE ISNT BAEUTIFL

hrlyknr- and you can't do anything i'll never show u my face

beterbarker- please

hrlyknr- no

beterbarker- i'll do whatever

hrlyknr- ...whatever?

beterbarker- yes

hrlyknr- call me

___

 

beterbarker- no

hrlyknr- yOU SAID ANYTHING

beterbarker- yES BUT-

hrlyknr- i'll send you multiple pics

betrbarker- but you don't g e t  i t

hrlyknr- blease?????????????

beterbarker- hnnnnng

beterbarker- fine

___

 

beterbarker- hey flash

flash- what do you want penis

beterbarker- so uhm i have a confession to make

flash- are u gonna finally admit you don't work at si

flash- nobody believed you from the beginning lmao you're so pathetic

beterbarker- no it's not that actually

beterbarker- i'm actually deeply in love with you. have been since the first day we met. i know you won't return my feelings but i had to get this out of my chest.

flash- ew faggot you think i'd ever love you

flash- smh you're so disgusting

flash- go kill yourself you piece of shit

flash- is that how you ''work'' at si? by fucking every employee there? i knew it

flash- you have no talent except being a whore. that's why everyone left you ngl

___

beterbarker- (screenshot of his conversation with flash)

hrlyknr- oh my god

hrlyknr- oh my fucking god did he actually 

hrlyknr- i'm

hrlyknr- i'm so sorry peter please i didn't know

beterbarker- yeah you didn't

hrlyknr- i

hrlyknr- peter i'm so sorry but listen

hrlyknr- you're not disgusting. you're not pathetic. you are the best person i know and don't let anyone say otherwise

hrlyknr- so many people love you peter. no one wanted to leave you. you are so so so loved and please never think otherwise

beterbarker- ok

hrlyknr- please pete i'm so sorry

beterbarker- it's ok. you didn't know

hrlyknr- i shouldn't have forced you i'm so fucking sorry

hrlyknr- but i'll make sure he regrets every fucking word he said i promise

beterbarker- thanks ig

hrlyknr- i'm so sorry

___

hrlyknr- (screenshot of peter and flash's conversation)

hrlyknr- who the fuck do you think you are

flash- uhhh lmao who r u

hrlyknr- no you don't ask questions here

hrlyknr- now fucking answer me

hrlyknr- who the fuck do you think you are

flash- Eugene 'Flash' Thompson. who are you?? another one of his little boy toys?

hrlyknr- you better keep your fucking trap closed before i fly over there and close it for you permanently. you do not want to know how fucking close i am to doing that

hrlyknr- i'm harley keener. pretty close to tony stark

hrlyknr- and no not because i'm fucking him you worthless piece of shit

hrlyknr- turns out that kid you're bullying, peter parker soon-to-be stark is way closer to tony stark

flash- they finally decided to get married

flash- tony stark deserves so much better tbh

hrlyknr- SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH BEFORE I SHUT IT MYSELF

hrlyknr- peter is my friend. no one messes with my fucking friends.

hrlyknr- he wanted to see my face and i made the mistake of daring him to tell you that

hrlyknr- because let's be honest he's probably the first confession you ever got right?

hrlyknr- the first and only kid to ever love you is the gay kid you bully.

hrlyknr- that's where you got all your fucking confidence from RIGHT?

hrlyknr- just because your parents don't love their mistake of a child doesn't mean you can take it all out on a person who is a hundred times the person you'll always be

hrlyknr- the only bit of love in your life is from a fake confession. and then you call him pathetic

hrlyknr- i'm pretty good at engineering and tony stark is better

hrlyknr- when i tell him what you said to his future son you should be expecting more than a bullet in you forehead

flash- you wouldn't tell tony stark

hrlyknr- oh yeah? 

hrlyknr- watch me

___ 

hrlyknr- (screenshot of peter's conversation with flash)

hrlyknr- it's all my fault i dared him to do it he doesn't actually like him and i'm so sorry but please do something about this

tonystank- Harley what is this

hrlyknr- it's this

hrlyknr- asshole that's been bullying peter

hrlyknr- this is all my fault i'm so sorry

tonystank- hey it's ok it wasn't your fault

tonystank- i'll deal with it

tonystank- give him hell, harls

hrlyknr- always

___

 

harley @potatogunkid

(screenshot of peter's conversation with flash)

give him hell y'all (by the way this was a dare even peter has higher standards)

 

>>Shuri @therealshuri

  i mean i did warn him

 

>>>>MJ @justcallmemj

    lmao flash is so dead

 

>>flash @spiderfan

  you can't do that!!!

 

>>>>harley @potatogunkid

    can't i?

 

>>Nat @actuallyblackwidow

  not this brat again

 

 

>>>>Scarlet Queen @wandawanda

    sis did what now

 

>>Loki @snektickler

   i will kill him then drag him back from the fiery depths of hel to torture him slowly and painfully until he is begging for me to let him feel the sweet release of death

 

  
>>>>God Of Thunder @sparky

      rt

  
>>>>green beans @bbanner

      rt

 

>>>> mr righteous @stoverogers

      rt

 

>>>> cant stop won't stop @valerieval

      rt

 

>>>>Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

      rt

 

>>>>sasha @sashglittersass

      rt

 

>>>>caw caw mf @birdass

      rt

 

>>>>sam wilson @birdshit

      rt

 

>>>>bucket @bucketbornes

      rt

___

hrlyknr- (selfie with his sister)

hrlyknr- (pic of him working on a car)

hrlyknr- (him making breakfast and grinning)

hrlyknr- i'm really really really sorry

beterbarker- that,,,,,, that's you????

hrlyknr- haha yeah

beterbarker- that

beterbarker- that is y o u?

hrlyknr- yea ok i get it

beterbarker- what the fuck

beterbarker- i,,,,, need a drink

hrlyknr- ???

beterbarker- holy shit i'm so grey :'D

___

tonystank- eugene thompson

flash- uhm,,,,, who is this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> h e w w o  
> sorry for not updating, but i'm on spring break rn so hopefully i'll update more.  
> i'm thinking abt writing another fic but with actual words and phrases (already know how that'll turn out). w h a t d o y o u p e o p l e t h i n k??  
> anyways  
> i've got this weird thing going on where i always  
> a l w a y s  
> publish my chapters at an ungodly hour at nigh  
> so i'm sorry for my terrible writing and whatnot  
> i'll go sleep so that tomorrow i'll hopefully be able to give you some better content  
> T O O D L E S  
> -sbiderwoman  
> ___  
> UPDATE
> 
> I JUST REALIZED I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE SECOND CHAPTER SSKJSKSJSK I'M SO SORRY  
> IT WAS LIKE,,,,, THE BEST ONE TOO  
> NOT GOOD BUT STILL THE BEST   
> SSSKKKSKSKSKS I'M SO MADD  
> see this is why i should write when i'm mentally s a n e


	10. caprisun and the art of compulsive behaviour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> big pp @beterbarker
> 
> y'all are traitors and i'm not inviting you to my birthday party
> 
>  
> 
> i'm multitasking @leblackwidow
> 
> wait yeeter no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contributes literally nothing to the story but oh well do i look like i'm in the emotional state to care lmao no  
> also this fic may or may not be inspired by https://archiveofourown.org/works/17814752/chapters/42031685  
> but like idk you tell me  
> (read: go fucking check it out because it's literally the only thing keeping me going at this point)

deadpp @waterofdeath

heeeeeenlo readers! i'm here to talk to you because the author is setting me up to do her dirty work again. don't look at me like that, you know it's true. a n y w a y s, she wanted to say 1) that she's terribly sorry for not updating and 2) she's gonna change some of the character's twitter names because she doesn't like them and she's too lazy to come up with a story as to why they changed it.

 

tony stank @tstank

wade what the fuck

 

tony stank @tstank

i'm pretty sure that wasn't my name before

 

 stove @capsicle

Language!

 

stove @capsicle

wait what the diddly darn

 

on my left @falcass

you did not just say diddly darn on a public social media platform where people can associate me to you

_____

big pp @beterbarker

i can se neew colrss

 

big pp @beterbarker

oMg!!!¨¨!1!!!!!!! Tgasgss a iRon dad fLYIING

 

big pp@beterbarker

@tstank uRRRerrr flIYINgG¨¨¨!!! mSr sTorkKKkk!!!!! fATttHERr

 

tony stank @tstank

who gave this kid weed

 

big pp @beterbarker

hAArLEyyyyyyyyyyy i liEok yRRe eYes

 

big pp @beterbarker

tHeyrr so,,,,,,,, bluUU en PrETti aNd i

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

im,,,,,,,,, thanks???

 

>Abbie @abbiek

he's blushing.

 

>>harley @awesomesexybeast

abbie you're too young to have twitter i'm telling mom

 

>>>Abbie @abbiek

if you tell i tell

 

>>>>harley @awesomesexybeast

you wouldn't

 

 

>>>>>tony stank @tstank

tell what

 

>>>>>>Abbie @abbiek

:^)

 

 

FRIDAY @friday

Peter has drank his fifteenth pouch of Caprisun. I would advise @tstank to come rescue Mr. Parker before they break something.

 

tony stank @tstank

I'm on my way.

 

mmMmm fuck you @mjones

Peter has always had an unhealthy addiction to Caprisun. His current record is 43 pouches.

 

tony stank @tstank

I feel like I should stop this but I really don't want to tbh.

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

once, after his twentieth pouch, he got on the roofs of stark tower and started dancing along to every hamilton song from the soundtrack on the ledge.

 

>yee-raw me @wandahoe

way to call beter out babe :((((

 

mmMmm fuck you @mjones

Once Peter drinks his thirtieth pouch his eyes roll back and his limbs start bending in inhumane positions and he looks like fucking antichrist.

 

>on my left @falcass

i can see him

 

>> on my left @falcass

aint nobody got time for that i'm not looking to get skinned alive for my sins thankyouverymuch

 

>>>big pp @beterbarker

  
.  
.  
i̸̧̧͕̤̖̰͚̅́̒̇̚͜͝ c̴̡̛̛͎̯̩͖͙̻̩̆̔̀͗̓͌͡͝ą̨͙̠͖̲̟͇̒̏͛̽̊͛͡͝͝n̼̰͈͎̲̦̼̐̉̊́̑̈̚͟͢ s͎͉̠̩̣̤͎̣̽̈̉͊̒̈̎́e̯͉̪̪̪͆͆͆͌̌́̃̂̚̕ẻ̸͍̳̻̹͇͉̺̩͐͂̐̆̕͢͡͡ ṱ̶̨̹̻̯̟̥̬͙̏͋̇̈́́̈́͂̚͝͞ḧ̘͍͍͕̳̟͙͔͖͑͑̆͂̏͊͡ͅe͇͔̜̯͎̿͑̀̾́̓̃̕͡͠ w̢̘̗̗̮̪̥̄̏̊͑͡e̬̖̬̹̱̭̬͖͖͛̿̿͐̇i̸̥͈̗̯̳͛̍̐̈͗̎͌̀̚ͅg̨̹͕͕͉͂͌͂͋̅͌͗̀̕ḣ̵̢͔̮͚̎̅͌̄͜͡t̵̰͈͙̹͉̝̎̄̉̈̊̀ ȯ̠̟͕̥̮̮͉͕͈̊̎͌̇̚f̵̡̛̝̮͎̲̱͖͚́̄̿̕ ỷ̢̧̙̩̥͖̗̥̙͚̇̂̃͊͑͝͞o̡̟̹̞̻̙̬͑̆͊̐̏̿͋͠͝ͅũ̸̺̻͕̮͔̫͌̇̃̒͐͆͒̅͞ͅŗ͔͍͓̱̆̈́̈̓͛̀́̽̈́͟͡ ś̸̛͓̝͕̞̠̯̗̭͙͒͆́̍͊͛͟ĩ̡̨̛̫̪͙̫͉̗̳̎͗͛̎̌͠ñ̶̰̤͙͔̼̿̅̓͠s̴̭̯̺͎͍̺͎̝̀̍͆̐̋͑̑̚͟  
.  
.

 

>>>>on my left @falcass

ahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaahahahahahahahwhatthefuck

 

gay in the chair @nedled

he tried to do a backflip off of the eiffel tower when high on caprisuns

 

god of thunder @sparky

i once tried to steal one (1) juice pouch and he very nearly clawed my eyes out

 

>me angery @biggreen

To be honest, love, you had it coming.

 

 tony stank @tstank

alright that's it no more demon juice for you

 

big pp @beterbarker

you cnAANt tELllL mE what tO DOo you're nOt mY dadDD,,, yOu ALwAYss waNn hErR SOMthhiNN uGLy assS fuKKn nOOdLL hEDd

 

tony stank @tstank

i would take that to heart if you weren't high and possessed 

 

bucket @bbornes

''You're not my dad'' -Peter Parker to Tony Stark

 

 loki @parseltongue

press x to doubt

 

clit @thebetterbird

x

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

x

 

Abbie @abbiek

X

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

x

 

on my left @falcass

x

 

mother @dragonqueen

x

 

cindy @moonmoon

x

 

tulip @hornytensia

x

 

notice me thor @biggay

x

 

rhodey @jrhodes

x

 

pepper @virginiastark

x

 

mmMmm fuck you @mjones

x

 

shuri @vinedaddy

x

 

 

big pp @beterbarker

y'all are traitors and i'm not inviting you to my birthday party

 

>harley @awesomesexybeast

oh ok so when i do it it's ironic but when you do it it's fucking original. i see how it is

 

>>Abbie @abbiek

it be like that sometimes

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

wait yeeter no

 

shuri @vinedaddy

🅱eter 🅱lease

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so  
> uhm  
> i saw endgame  
> on wednesday the 24 of april  
> and i-  
> this is not ok. marvel can suck my pp. i won't spoil but i just  
> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
> i feel like the movie took my heart and ate it but yknow i didn't have one to begin with so  
> fuck me to infinity and beyond  
> ''till the end of the line'' my aSS  
> IM ABT TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF *****  
> ok that's all be sure to write lots and lots of fanfics if you don't want me to break down and throw a tantrum :)))))))  
> k bYE NOW  
> -a very very sad sbiderwoman


	11. in which peter fites spiderman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> big pp @beterbarker
> 
> this just in spiderman is overrated
> 
>  
> 
> guy in the chair @nedled
> 
> peter what are you doing

 

big pp @beterbarker

making my way downtown, swinging fast

 

chloe @chloephile

'swinging fast' that's a new one

 

deez nuts @ahagottie

sound like something spidey would say tbh

 

big pp @beterbarker

pfffft nooooo. he would never say that, ever. because me and him are a completely different person. nothing in common. 

 

tony stank @tstank

Kid...

___

 

Spiderson >>> Irondad

 

Irondad- Kid what the fuck.

Spiderson- what???? what did i do?????

Irondad- You basically almost revealed your secret identity to everyone!!!! That was so indiscreet.

Irondad- Anyways I need you to find a way to make people think you're _not_  spidey.

Spiderson- and how exactly am i supposed to do that??????

Irondad- I don't know, kid. You're a genius. Figure something out. I'm going away on a business trip for the whole of tomorrow and when I come back everything better be fixed, because otherwise the PR department plus Pepper will have my head.

Irondad- And I'm sure you wouldn't want your father dearest to get decapitated.

Spiderson- i know just the way to do that

Irondad- Alright then. I'm about to board. I'm trusting you, kid.

Spiderson- yes, dad

Irondad- I-

Spiderson- :))))

___

big pp @beterbarker

this just in spiderman is overrated

 

guy in the chair @nedled

peter what are you doing

 

big pp @beterbarker

it's true though. like sure he helps old ladies down the road and rescues kittens from trees but when you get to meet him in person he's a little bitch

 

>spider can @sbiderman

the fuck u just say to me

 

>>big pp @beterbarker

i  _said_ that you're overrated you undergrown carrot

 

>>>spider can @sbiderman

lmao you're just jealous because tony likes me more than he likes you

 

>>>>big pp @beterbarker

pfft you wish i don't see you calling him dad

 

>>>>>spider can @beterbarker 

that's because i don't want you to see me. i try to be around your dumbass as little as physically possible

 

chloe @chloephile

wait. hold on a diddly darnedest second. peter parker calls tony 'i am iron man' stark d a d???

 

big pp @beterbarker

yeah B) that's because he likes having me around unlike s o m e o n e i know 👀👀

 

spider can @sbiderman

you talking shit about me and you don't even have the courage to @ me you bent spoon

 

big pp @beterbarker

you're calling me a bent spoon when you're the one who could choke elastic girl with their thighs

 

spider can @sbiderman

is that supposed to be an insult or?????

 

big pp @beterbarker

i'm running on five cans of red bull and spite i haven't slept in the past three days leave me alone before i make you eat your hands

 

mmMmm fuck you @mjones

spidey powers or not, no one escapes peter's wrath.

 

shuri @vinedaddy

you better watch out. you better watch out. you bETTER WATCH OUT!!!

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

peter, love, what in the name of everything holy are you doing

 

big pp @beterbarker

i don't know what you mean what are you insinuating

 

shuri @vinedaddy

👀

 

mmMmm fuck you @mjones

👀

 

guy in the chair @nedled

👀

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

👀

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

👀

 

big pp @beterbarker

damn even you nat :(((

___

 

beterbarker >>> hrlyknr

 

hrlyknr- no but seriously parker what are you doing

beterbarker- dad told me to make people believe i'm not spiderman.

beterbarker- and this is obviously the only way to do so.

hrlyknr- ok 1) dad???? and 2) or you could,,,,, just,,,,, you know,,,,,

hrlyknr- not interact with other you online?

beterbarker- 1) oui 2) ew my god no

beterbarker- i hate normies smh 

hrlyknr- who the fuck u calling a normie

beterbarker- you

hrlyknr- excusez moi quoi de la fuck

___

 

tony stank @tstank

Jfc kid i let you take care of one thing. One. Damn. Thing. And this happens.

 

spider can @sbiderman

he started it!!!!!

 

big pp @beterbarker

:((((( snitch

 

tony stank @tstank

@beterbarker you're grounded

 

spider can @sbiderman

hA

 

tony stank @tstank

@sbiderman you're grounded too.

 

spider can @sbiderman 

what why what did i do??????

 

tony stank @tstank

👀

 

mother @dragonqueen

tony stark is such a #irondad we stan

 

notice me thor @biggay

tony stark being an #irondad watered my crops and cleared my skin thank you

 

Abbie @abbiek

oh wow #irondad is already trending

 

tony stank @tstank

You all are PR nightmares.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright you guys i have no idea what to write   
> feed me inspiration in the comment section b l e a s e  
> also i have no idea on how to make them meet. do i write a detailed chapter? do i try writing it with the twitter layout? AAAAAAAAA I DON'T K N O W  
> i'm also sorry for the delay, but i have an exam in my theory class this wednesday and i'm having panic attacks every two minutes so yeah  
> love that:)  
> alright that's all enjoy your liiiiives  
> -sbiderwoman


	12. chloe's new aesthetic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> big pp @beterbarker
> 
> hour six without my nintendo: i met a unicorn. his name was charlie. we played hide and seek.
> 
>  
> 
> stove @capsicle
> 
> I think????? That this?????? Has become?????? A matter??????? Of slight concern?????????

big pp @beterbarker

alrighty superhoes where the fuck is my nintendo ds

 

chloe @chloephile

peter calling them superhoes is my new aesthetic ( **A/N. i feel like i read this somewhere, if this is your quote i'm s o r r y for stealing it** )

 

tony stank @tstank

What? That old broken disgustingly filthy thing you call a nintendo?

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

is that a confession 👀

 

tony stank @tstank

God no.

 

tony stank @tstank

Not even I am that suicidal 

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

i wonder. who took. your nintendo.

 

big pp @beterbarker

if you know something i don't know your yeehaw ass better tell me or i'll yeesaw you before you yeeknow it

 

>yee-raw me @wandahoe

someone called

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

*nervously sweats in gay*

 

spider can @sbiderman

what's popping logang 😎

 

big pp @beterbarker

you spider bitch. it was you wasn't it.

 

on my left @falcass

oh no not this shit again

 

spider can @sbiderman

i don't see what you're talking about you broken chair

 

big pp @beterbarker

where the fuck did you web my nintendo you mouldy piece of lettuce 

 

spider can @sbiderman

i diDNT WEB YOUR NINTENDO ANYWHERE

 

spider can @sbiderman

no tea no shade but i'd rather commit death-pacito than touch anything belonging to you

 

big pp @beterbarker

dON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT 

 

spider can @sbiderman

YOUR BATH WATER TASTES BAD

 

big pp @beterbarker

YOUR TOAST IS STALE

 

spider can @sbiderman

i'm about to say it

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

oh god oh fuck

 

spider can @sbiderman

i'M ABT TO FUCKING SAY IT-

 

mmMmm fuck you @mjones

i think it's safe to say we're all a little afraid here

 

big pp @beterbarker

sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me 😎

 

spider can @sbiderman

your mom downloaded mastercraft instead of minecraft

 

big pp @beterbarker

you take that back you fUCKING TAKE THAT BACK-

 

shuri @vinedaddy

literally every gen z: -gAsP dRamAtiCaLLy-

 

gay in the chair @nedled

dISHONOUR ON YOU DISHONOUR ON YOUR FAMILY DISHONOUR ON YOUR COW

 

spider can @sbiderman

omg bro i'm so sorry bro that was too far bro😔

 

big pp @beterbarker

shhh it's ok bro i forgive you bro😔💕

 

spider can @sbiderman

_bro_ 😔💕💛💜💕💕💙💚💕💜💕💘

 

big pp @beterbarker

but i still hate you bro👺

 

spider can @sbiderman

yea bro i gotchu🙊

 

chloe @chloephile

i take back what i said earlier. whatever in the name of everything holy happened ^^up there^^ is my new aesthetic

___

 

big pp @beterbarker

hour one without my nintendo: i don't feel so good

 

deez nuts @ahagottie

we believe in you peter

__

 

big pp @beterbarker

hour three without my nintendo: ned has never looked more appetising

 

gay in the chair @nedled

peter you're a literal town away from me

 

big pp @beterbarker

am i really though

 

gay in the chair @nedled

o-oh?

 

gay in the chair @nedled 

wait peter is that youdijoafsnwea

 

mother @dragonqueen

pete got to him before he could finish typing

___

 

big pp @beterbarker

hour six without my nintendo: i met a unicorn. his name was charlie. we played hide and seek.

 

stove @capsicle

I think????? That this?????? Has become?????? A matter??????? Of slight concern?????????

 

big pp @beterbarker

he also fed me captn crunch

 

big pp @beterbarker

the milk that was in the red cabinet tasted a bit weird though

 

may @mayparker

Peter that's the dish soap and bleach cabinet

 

big pp @beterbarker

i'm starting to feel like harry potter

 

 

big pp @beterbarker

alakazam sleep is a scam

 

big pp @beterbarker 

did it work

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

i don't think so love

 

big pp @beterbarker

imma need more of that magic juice

 

tony stank @tstank

i'm on my way

 

bucket @bornes

when tony is so stressed he forgets to capitalise his tweets, you know Shit just got Real

___

 

tony stank @tstank

His nintendo was under his fucking bed.

 

big pp @beterbarker

thank you so much dad!!!!!!! i have my nintendo back now!!!!!! i love you lots!!!!!!!!!

 

salt n pepper @VirginiaPotts

stop making my fiancé cry i need him for our wedding

 

big pp @beterbarker

i'm sorry pep :(

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't eve know what the fuck this is anymore-  
> i have an idea for a new story but i'm feeling too lazy to write it rn maybe tmrw idk  
> -sbidey


	13. JUST A RANT YALL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is just a rant  
> not an actual update  
> so sorry

_Hey everyone, sbiderwoman here._

_I'm sorry to say that this is not an actual update, just a rant since I have nowhere else to post this on._

_I've been thinking of this for a long time but the inspiration came in english class when we were reviewing a persuasive article written by a famous model._

_The topic was girls. Or, more specifically, what girls are expected to be._

_Nowadays society has raised beauty standards incredibly high. Everyone views blue eyed blondies who's waists are smaller than their heads as the epitome of perfection. I'm not saying that they're ugly, I'm saying that they're not perfect. No one is. Just because a small amount of the human population has golden locks and a slim figure, doesn't mean they should be an example of what to be. Tons of girls will wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, stare at their stunning hazel eyes, or their curly dark brown hair, or their freckles and wish they were someone else. Not only is it exhausting to think that way, but it's also dangerous to try and change in order to fit in._

_They will slowly start to dislike themselves, which will lead to trying harder. As long as you don't look perfect in the eyes of your friends, or peers, you're not satisfied, which makes you dislike yourself even more. It's a vicious cycle, really._

_Everyone in the 21st century take pride in being skinny. Almost all of the models you will see on magazines will have teeny tiny waists. No matter how strong, intelligent, talented or funny you are, you will always be judged off of your looks._

_Personally, I'm above the average weight for my age. All of my friends are extremely skinny, and however much I try not to feel_ _insecure, I still do. Whenever I look at any model, I can't help but feel ashamed of my body._

_The worst part about people trying to look like the people in Vogue, is that they're not even real people. Not only do the models have tons of make up, put on by professional artists, but once the pictures are taken, they are retouched most of the time. The editors will make the model's waist even thinner, her eyes bigger, her skin smoother. The people on magazines aren't real people. They're paintings, modifications of an actual human. No matter how hard you try, you'll never look like them. Not because you're not pretty, or because you're not good enough, but because it's physically impossible to look like them._

_Whenever you walk into a small newspaper shop, most magazines will have obscene stories about how some women lost 20 kilos in a week by completely starving themselves, or about how they finally got respected after they became skinny. It's not often you will see a woman writing about how they conquered an_ _illness, or how they made it through their rough childhood._

_One of the most beautiful women ever is Marilyn Monroe. In all her pictures, she looks gorgeous, even if she's not skinny. By today's standards, she would be considered fat, which is obscene, as she is of normal size._

_Anyways. What i meant was that, no matter your hair colour, skin colour, eye color, size, weight, height or clothing choice, you are beautiful._

_And you deserve to know it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this rant was written late at night but i just needed to say that  
> didn't proof read it yet, might do that plus edit it later


	14. parker luck (tm) strikes again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> arachnowr- and hARLEY'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND
> 
> arachnopwr- I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND
> 
> Harley Keener- does that mean i still stand a chance
> 
> mjhatesyou- i think you broke him

yes-raw me @wandahoe

alright ya'll just a warning peter is extremely pissed for some reason so please don't say anything that might trigger another rant

 

on my left @falcass

he already had three and that was before drinking his coffee

 

lara g @larva

may i ask what said rants were about

 

stove @capsicle

One was about gender equality, the second was about the bathroom's flickering lights, and the third one about how baboons are definitely gay because ' their behind is huge, there's no way they aren't attracted to other male baboons with huge bums'.

 

stove @capsicle

Only he didn't exactly use those words.

 

katie @shutthefuckup

can we all agree that peter is the single most wholesome thing ever

 

salt n pepper @VirginiaPotts

He really is.

___

guyinthechair- Ned Leeds

mjhatesyou- Michelle Jones

shuriken- Shuri

mercwithamouth- Wade Wilson

arachnopwr- Peter Parker

 

**Super Duper Child Prodigies and a mercenary**

arachnopwr- what did i do to deserve this

arachnopwr- i am DISGUSTED i am REVOLTED

arachnopwr- i dedicated my whole life to our lord and saviour jesus christ and tHIS IS THE THANKS I GET

shuriken- aren't you atheist

arachnopwr- 'tis a sad day when your friend calls you out on your bullshit

guyinthechair- you have a boyfriend go rant to him

_arachnopwr added Harley Keener to the chat_

arachnowr- and hARLEY'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND

arachnopwr- I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Harley Keener- does that mean i still stand a chance

mjhatesyou- i think you broke him

arachnopwr- i'm back and better than ever

arachnopwr- ya'll garden hoes aren't gonna get rid of me that easily

mercwithamouth- ding dong your opinion is wrong

shuriken- aw man

arachnopwr- >:0

mercwithamouth- anyways are you going to tell us what happened or-

arachnopwr- i am an imbecile

arachnopwr- a complete and utter buffoon

arachnopwr- i mixed my red shirts with my white shirts

guyinthechair- again?????

Harley Keener- this has happened before why am i not at all surprised

guyinthechair- tbh you look kinda good with pink ngl

arachnopwr- wow bro thank you bro <3

_mjhatesyou changed guyinthechair's name to gay in the chair_

gay in the chair- wow really

gay in the chair- i am DISGUSTED i am REVOLTED i dedicate my life to our lord and saviour jesus christ and this is the thanks i get

shuriken- peter already used that one you mouldy donut

arachnopwr- i also cut my own hair off because i lack impulse control

mercwithamouth- fuck yeah baby boy

mjhatesyou- send pics

arachnopwr-no

gay in the chair- please peter?

arachnopwr- nononononononononononononnO

Harley Keener- please????

arachnopwr- ,,,fine

mjhatesyou- oh wow ok i see how it is

_mjhatesyou changed Harley Keener's name to peter's favourite_

_mjhates you changed archngopwr's name to betrayal_

mercwithamouth- it just be like that sometimes

betrayal- [pictures.exe]

betrayal- if any of you fuckers say anything about my haircut I will murder you in cold blood. do I know what that means? no. why do I use it? because it sounds rad as fuck.

peter's favourite- you don't even look that bad

mercwithamouth- what pretty boy said

peter's favourite- you look kinda cute

betrayal- skjsddksjk

gay in the chair- he just threw himself off the balcony

peter's favourite- alright i actually don't know who you fuckers are so how about you tell me before i call the police on peter for child endangerment 

shuriken- sweetie you live in alabama what the fuck u gonna do

peter's favourite- rose hill, tennessee, actually.

shuriken- i'm shuri, by the way, but you can call me badass bitch or mistress

peter's favourite- that's hella kinky i love it

mjhatesyou- stop trying to steal my girlfriend

peter's favourite- sorry mj

mjhatesyou- i think i'll find it in myself to forgive you just this once.

gay in the chair- what about the whole 'only my friends call me mj' spiel

mjhatesyou- he is a friend

gay in the chair-,,,,,, wow

gay in the chair- i am: Betrayed

gay in the chair- it took me and peter mONTHS TO EARN THAT RIGHT 

mjhatesyou- your point

gay in the chair- my name is ned and i don't like you

peter's favourite- yea well the joke's on you you'll never not like me as much as i hate myself

gay in the chair- i changed my mind i love you and i shall protect you with my life

mercwithamouth- my name is wade and i love everyone

betrayal- wow i jump off the balcony and 1) no one bothers to look after me to see if i'm ok 2) you all have replaced me with harley during the ten minutes in which i've been gone and 3)how is harley supposed to become my boyfriend if y'all keep stealing him away from me

gay in the chair- don't let that fool you deep down you're still everyone's favourite

peter's favourite- and what's that i hear about me being your boyfriend

betrayal- i am Suddenly jared, 19

peter's favourite- peter answer my question

shuriken- he's too much of a coward 

betrayal- you didn't seem to think that when you had chicken ramen noodles up your ass

peter's favourite- does that mean you'll answer my question????

betrayal- oh wow would you look at the time gotta blast

shuriken- blocked.

___

harley <3- a week and i'll be over there

petey <3- just a week

harley <3- a week

petey <3- i can't wait :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys seemed to really like my rant and tbh i meant every word of it


	15. just a bit of peter and the acadec squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i made peter and flash friends in this one  
> just,,,, imagine they finally put their differences aside when flash got his ass handed to him by the avengers and became kind of friends

**AcaDoku Fam**

_peterparkour changed peterparkour's name to_ _stronk_

_stronk changed needleed's name to geek.io_

_stronk changed fasterthansanic's boneless weank_

_stronk changed abeabeabe's name to prickly (l)oaf_

_stronk changed salsaconqueso's name to soup_

_stronk changed mj's name to mistress teresa_

_stronk added Seymour to the chat_

_stronk changed Seymour's name to simbaHoe_

_stronk added Jason to the chat_

_stronk changed Jason's name to sporky_

_stronk added Betty to the chat_

_stronk changed Betty's name to tally hoe_

stronk- lmao 420 blaze it

boneless weank- on a scale of 1 to 10 how high is he rn

stronk- uhhhhh prolly a solid 3.14

sporky- i love how you walk in on y'all practicing and you gays are serious af but then peter pulls this shit and adds me to this chat and i just-

stronk- wELCOME TRAVELERS

stronk- to our hUMBLE ABODE make yourself at home we have the closeted gays (tm) on your left and the vegan hippies (tm) on your right

stronk- don't forget the insane sociopaths (tm) they're always behind you bcs they want to creep up on you and slit your throat

tally hoe- peter benjamin parker

tally hoe- what the f u c k

stronk- tally hoe tally hoe and uP THE HILLS WE GO

tally hoe- i'm,,,,,

mistress teresa- it's 4:21 peter ffs go to sleep 

stronk- no you can't tell me what to do

mistress teresa- excusez moi

stronk- oh god oh fuck i'm sorry i defied your direct orders mistress teresa blease don't hurt me ill go to sleep

mistress teresa- damn straight

simbaHoe- did you just accuse peter of being straight

mistress teresa- just,,,,, go to sleep before i make you

simbaHoe- yes ma'am

___

stronk- let's get this bread fam✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*( ͡ꈍ ͜ʖ̫ ͡ꈍ )*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

soup- let's yeet this wheat

stronk- hey this is 911 we'd like to know your location

prickly (l)oaf- why did you change my name to this

stronk- ok so remember that one time when we went to that farm and you saw that piece of wood and thought it was bread

stronk- and you just picked it up and got blisters in your hand

stronk- so yeah prickly because blisters and (l)oaf because bread and you're a dumbass

prickly (l)oaf- ok rude

soup- what about my name i don't get it

stronk- just because you spilt your fucking soup on me sally

moon moon- who knew peter b parker was a petty little bitch

geek.io- literally everyone

geek.io- like this one time i said i preferred captain america over iron man and he just

geek.io- picked up my english assignment

geek.io- which i had taken tHREE DAYS TO FINISH mind you

geek.io- crumpled it up and fucking ate it

stronk- in my defence the whole essay was literally about how great cap was

stronk- we can't have you spread all that slander now could we

simbaHoe- what do you have against captain america though

stronk- i don't have anything against him, per se

mistress teresa- hm

tally hoe- hm

sporky- hm

geek.io- hm

moon moon- hm

boneless weank- hm

prickly loaf- hm

soup- hm

Mr Harrington sir- hm

stronk- oh wow mr harrington this is favouritism 

simbaHoe- whoa that's i l l e g a l

stronk- yeah i'm gonna have to call the police

moon moon- i sometimes forget that we have a teacher in this chat

Mr Harrington sir- The only reason why I'm in this chat is to make sure you guys don't secretly plan a mass school shooting.

stronk- oh no mr harrington don't worry 

boneless weank- no we have the other chat for that

Mr Harrington sir- What.

stronk- whoa that's illegal t o o

Mr Harrington sir- I need a drink.

stronk- mY PIZZA HASN'T ARRIVED YET AND I ORDERED IT HALF AN HOUR AGO

soup- why are you ordering pizza at 7 am in the morning

stronk- i dunno why did you spill soup on me

stronk- sTOP IT I'M NOT EVEN SORRY FOR YOU I'M SORRY FOR THE SOUP

soup- that looked like a hella good soup

simbaHoe- the soup was a greenish brown 

simbaHoe-the only way your soup would look good would be in the trash

boneless weank- which it was, in a way

stronk- you're so meen to me :(

mistress teresa- your pizza isn't arriving because it's 7 am in the morning

stronk- blasphemy

boneless weank- also why is my name boneless weank

stronk- because you're wEAK

boneless weank- is this because i refused to binge watch all the star war movies with you

stronk- maybe so

boneless weank- it would take 22 hours and 40 minutes to watch all of them 

stronk- sleep is for the weak 

stronk- and because of this meme i founderino:

stronk- https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/1333663-skeletons

boneless weank- yeah well unlike some people eyes emoji eyes emoji i don't stay up for hours straights looking at memes

moon moon- gASP 

prickly (l)oaf- who do you tAKE him for 

sporky- yeah he obviously stays up for hours straight watching vines 

stronk- as much as i appreciate the vote of confidence i don't think this is helping much

geek.io- i don't think it was meant to

soup- and i oop-

stronk- oh wow everyone hates me guess i'll just 

stronk- jump off of stark tower

moon moon- no pete don't do that

moon moon- don't joke around with that it's not funny

moon moon- imagine the bad publicity it'll give SI

_a̶̛̘̼̰̰̲̓̓͌́̾͠ͅͅȗ̸̺͕̤̂̅͛t̷̥̀ḫ̶̛̤̹̘̤͛͋͊ȏ̸̯͍̤͖̼͂̾͛̅r̵͎̻̤͖̎̇ added tony fucking stark to the chat_

tony fucking stark- i heard something about a certain peter benjamin parker wanting to jump off of my tower

stronk- mr stark no

tony fucking stark- if you try to kill yourself i will find your soul in the deepest cycle of hell and haul your ass back to the land of the living by the ear

tony fucking stark- understood mister

stronk- over my cold dead body

tony fucking stark- bold of you to assume i'm ever letting you die

tony fucking stark- same goes for all of you, if you ever feel like killing yourself, call the suicide prevention hotline, etc

_tony fucking stark left the chat_

stronk- i will skewer him

prickly (l)oaf- so,,,,,,,, that just happened

geek.io- he's such an irondad

stronk- ned no not again

prickly (l)oaf- irondad

mistress teresa- irondad

soup- irondad

moon moon- irondad

simbaHoe- irondad

sporky- irondad

boneless weank- irondad

tally hoe- irondad

_stronk changed geek.io's name to traitor_

traitor- worth it

___

tally hoe- so are we going to just ignore how some creepy dude named author added tony stark in our group chat or????

a̶̛̘̼̰̰̲̓̓͌́̾͠ͅͅȗ̸̺͕̤̂̅͛t̷̥̀ḫ̶̛̤̹̘̤͛͋͊ȏ̸̯͍̤͖̼͂̾͛̅r̵͎̻̤͖̎̇- yEs wE arE

tally hoe- oH OK ALRIGHT THEN NO PROBLEM AUTHOR PERSON MA'AM SIR AHAHAHAHHAHAAHAH

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just made this because we don't have enough of peter and the acadec team interacting  
> we need more where are y'all at


	16. what really happened in budapest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe you've done this- what did i do??????
> 
> peetpeet- my whole life has been a lie

peetpeet- Peter Parker (enters gc later)

blackwindow- Natasha Romanov

smolgreenbean- Bruce Banner

tincannot- Tony Stark

capmurica- Steve Rogers

metalarmedgay- James Barnes

scarletyeet- Wanda Maximoff

cawcawmf- Clint Barton

birdbutt- Sam Wilson

ishurihopeitdoes- Shuri

snekysnek- Loki Laufeyson

sparky- Thor Odinson

uwuowouwu- Wade Wilson

daddylanglegs- Scott Lang

just stick to the cards- James Rhodes

 

_**Heroes with a heart** _

_peetpeet changed blackwindow's name to i can't believe you've done this_

i can't believe you've done this- what did i do??????

peetpeet- my whole life has been a lie

_i can't believe you've done this changed peetpeet's name to dramatic bitch_

dramatic bitch- uHM EXCUSE YOU I AM NOT A DRAMATIC BITCH

scarletyeet- i mean,,,,,,

dramatic bitch- nO YOU WOULD REACT THE SAME IF YOU KNEW

i can't believe you've done this- knew what

dramatic bitch- aBOUT BUDAPEST

cawcawmf- Oh my fuck no he found out.

tincannot- tell us what happened or i'm removing your lab privileges

i can't believe you've done this- don't you fucking dare

dramatic bitch- sorry mr stark but i'd like to stay alive until season two of umbrella academy comes out

tincannot- tell me or i'm taking away your suit

dramatic bitch- cause that worked fine last time

daddylanglegs- hashtag irondad

tincannot- fine then,,,, nO HARLEY UNLESS YOU TELL ME

dramatic bitch- wAIT NO BLEASE

ishurihopeitdoes- oh shit he got you there

metalarmedgay- I will have to ask you gays if you can stop swearing because Mr Fine Ass over there finna bust a nerve.

_tincannot renamed metalarmedgay to barbie wannabe_

tincannot- you know it's true

barbie wannabe- i :)) will :)) skin :)) you :)) alive :))

tincannot- well fuck me gently with a chainsaw

snekysnek- did Tony 'AC/DC Hardcore Fan' Stark just make a Heathers ref or is death finally claiming me

snekysnek- because if she is i'd like to thank her this is the proudest moment of my career

snekysnek- i can finally die happy :'''')

smolgreenbean- Aren't you 17 years old in human years?

snekysnek- details.

tincannot- so will you tell us or do i show harley my 'peter singing disney songs in the shower' collection?

dramatic bitch- you wouldn't

tincannot- bet.

 

 

**harley <3  ~~ >~~ petey <3**

 

petey <3- in order to avoid a terminal case of embarrassment i am forced to spill the tea on nat and clint

petey <3- if i'm dead i'd like you to know it's nat and tony's fault

harley <3- bold of you to assume i'm letting you die

petey <3- stop it

petey <3- stop being cute

harley <3- no<33333

petey <3- akjsjksadksajlaskdlsakld

 

_**Heroes with a Heart** _

 

dramatic bitch- sorry nat please kill me quickly

i can't believe you've done this- peter you dICK

dramatic bitch- nothing ever happened in budapest

dramatic bitch- they say it like it's some big secret but they're secretly fucking with us

dramatic bitch- now for my will and testament i give my everything to my four friends ned shuri harley and mj

dramatic bitch- i pass spiderman onto miles morales, a smol middle schooler whom i tutor and love very much

dramatic bitch- if i don't live to see another day tell harley keener that i'm sorry i couldn't meet him in person because let me tell you he is one fine piece of ass

dramatic bitch- on second thought only tell him the first part 

dramatic bitch- i would also like to say that anthony stark is a little piece of shit and he's the reason why i died

dramatic bitch- goodbye cruel worjewihu910r8efh2bqioiju9 42m¨po

birdbutt- how the fuck does he type so fast

cawcawmf- nat got to him before he could finish

smolgreenbean- you fuckers did you actually

daddylanglegs- i,,,, need to sit down

uwuowouwu- i'd like to say i saw it coming but even the author hadn't thought about the possibility until this morning

barbie wannabe- fuck you clint sam's my new second favourite

tincannot- cap's the first

barbie wannabe- pfft no peter is

tincannot- wait i just saw the thing

tincannot- guys what the actual fuck

tincannot- i'm this fucking close to kicking you out of my tower

capmurica- fUCKING LANGUAGE

ishurihopeitdoes- oof sister snapped

_dramatic bitch renamed capmurica to sister sMAPPED_

ishurihopeitdoes- i should have left you on that street corner where you were standing

dramatic bitch- but you dIDN'T

snekysnek- aw man he's alive

i can't believe you've done this- not for long

sparky- I wasn't aware we had another resident in your tower, Man of Iron!

sister sMAPPED- We don't????

sparky- That is indeed bizarre. I could have sworn I heard a young girl screech in the vicinity.

just stick to the cards- that was tony

tincannot- yeah well what would you do if you saw a master assassin threatening your son

just stick to the cards- son eh

tincannot- i came out to have a good time and i'm honestly feeling so attacked right now

cawcawmf- who the fuck taught him that

scarletyeet- did he just-

snekysnek- my wig: fucking snatched

ishurihopeitdoes- unsubscribe

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bada bam bada boom here's another low quality chapter  
> enjoy  
> i'm running out of inspiration s en d h e lp


	17. tony stark: meme dealer extraordinaire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> inspiration @Emerald_Break
> 
> ok so are we going to blatantly ignore the fact that Anthony Stark can apparently meme?
> 
>  
> 
> tony stank @tstank
> 
> yes

big pp @beterbarker

DING DONG IT'S PRIDE MONTH MOTHERFLUFFERS TIME TO OPEN YOUR THIRD EYE AND BE GAY AND CUTE AND DISGUSTING ON MAIN WHOOP WHOOP

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

i'd like to snatch this occasion to tell you all that i am extremely gay for @beterbarker

 

>big pp @beterbarker

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_

 

gay in the chair @nedled

i really felt that gay panic

 

__

sally @lafayette

cindy @moonmoon will you be my girlf riend

 

sailor @moonmoon

omg yes i will be your girlf riend

 

big pp @beterbarker

*snif snif* is that a bE MORE CHILL REF i sMELL????

 

 

abraham @(crack)er

*rings bell* that is correct

 

big pp @beterbarker

god hasn't abandoned this timeline after all

 

salty peppery @ppotts

i was summoned

 

big pp @beterbarker

@ppotts IASJDKJASKDJKSJASHJIAKAD

 

mj @dumbgaybitch

@beterbarker @ppotts i mean she's not wrong?

 

salty peppery @ppotts 

thank you michelle

 

big pp @beterbarker

two of the most powerful women in the universe teamed up oh my god no

 

may @mayp

they're not alone

 

crull danvers @cptnmrvl

we joined forces long ago

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

we have an official group chat

 

okoyeah @badassbitch

our first goal is to make sure @beterbarker stops doing stupid shit that will put him in imminent danger and eventually lead to his inevitable death. 

 

salty peppery @ppotts

then we move on to world domination

 

yee-raw me @wandahoe

why am i not on the chat :((((

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

hold on babe i'll add you

 

big pp @beterbarker

i am: afraid

 

deadpp @waterofdeath

i think they started phase 4 of marvel

 

tony stank @tstank

????????????????What?????

 

mr lee @excelsior

young mr wilson is right, fellows!

 

deadpp @waterofdeath

aren't you supposed to be dead

 

mr lee @excelsior

i will forever live on in the heart of the fandom

 

emmy @wishinajar

i don't know what in the worm happened up there but i'm Here for it.

___

 Abbie @abbiek

since this is pride month i'd like to take a second to talk about the gay disaster my brother is

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

shut up shut up shuT UP

 

Abbie @abbiek

he's literally head over heels over @beterbarker and they've never even met?

 

big pp @beterbarker

sajskdashkjahdsjkasdjashksads

 

Abbie @abbiek

he doesn't even know how he looks like even though he's visiting tomorrow

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

abbie you absolute bitch i hope you like hospital food

 

Abbie @abbiek

don't even try to brandon rogers me this is revenge for lila

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

bUT YOU'RE TOGETHER NOW SHOULD'T I BE THANKED?

 

lila @bestbartonkid

he has a point babe

 

Abbie @abbiek

@bestbartonkid shut up and come cuddle me

 

lila @bestbartonkid

i'm on the jet

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

in my defence peter radiates twink essence

 

big pp @beterbarker

hnnnng harley

 

gay in the chair @nedled

i did not need to see that let me entertain the thought that peter is still an innocent little boy please

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

no

 

tony stank @tstank

And i oop-

___

 

 

inspiration @Emerald_Break

ok so are we going to blatantly ignore the fact that Anthony Stark can apparently meme?

 

tony stank @tstank

yes

 

inspiration @Emerald_Break

ASJKAJKSDHAJSKDHKASJD HOLY SHIT I DID OT EXPECT YOU TO REPLY 

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

yes old man please do tell us

 

tony stank @tstank

No

 

big pp @beterbarker

no rhodey until you tell us

 

exasperated @rhoady

i never agreed to this

 

salty peppery @ppotts

no, i'm pretty sure you did

 

exasperated @rhoady

i wholeheartedly agreed

 

tony stank @tstank

Keanu Reeves when his wife betrays him in favour of his son: Keanu grieves

 

salty peppery @ppotts

you gotta do what you gotta do

 

tony stank @tstank

This house is a fucking nightmare.

 

inspiration @Emerald_Break

sEE THERE IT IS AGAIN

 

tony stank @tstank

Of course I know how to meme, you guys. I basically invented the internet.

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

,,,,,,,i'm sorry you what

 

shuri @vinedaddy

you just raised my respect towards old white men the tiniest bit

 

salty peppery @ppotts 

why did i not know this??

 

big pp @beterbarker

@tstank explain?

 

tony stank @tstank

no

___

 

harley <3  ~~ >~~ petey <3

 

harley<3- oMGSJDGHAJKSHGHJ I'M COMING TMRWE DSII IM SO EXCITED IJAKWHSFKAJSJHK

petey<3- AKJDDJFHUSGHDJOPQFEUHABJKNLOEWHJVDBAKJBKDVNHU OMG YOU ARE SAIOHJKIODFSE 

harley<3- i actually literally can't wait

petey<3- me neither :'))))))))

harley<3- are you gonna show me your pretty face or do i have to wait until tomorrow

petey<3- i'll spare you you have one more day of blissful ignorance before your whole world comes crashing down

harley<3- oh come on you can't be that bad

petey<3- pfft 

petey<3- you'll see

harley<3- i guess i will ;)

petey<3- i guess you will :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its pRIDE MONTH WHOOP WHOOP   
> i know i'm kinda late but i've been busy oK  
> so enjoy this chapter of pure crack   
> next chapter harley and peter will probably meet so that's fun  
> ok so tHATS ALL FOR TODAY BYEEEEEE  
> -sbiderwoman  
> (i actually had another gaywakening last weekend so idk what my sexuality is anymore but whatever)


	18. the meeting :))

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the chapter we've all been waiting for  
> or is it?  
> :))

_AJSKHDAKSJDKSADKJASDKJSAHJKDHAJSKDHJKASHDJKASHJKDHJAKHDJKSFHDJKSHGFHJKHSAAHUKJEHWQUAIJDSHFKAJSHFIAHJFUIAKJHF_

That was what was what was currently going on inside of Harley Keener's head.

Him and his sister, Abby, were on a plane  _mere hours_ away from the most beautiful, caring, smart, funny, brave and kind person to have ever set foot on this planet.

Oh, and Tony Stark, too.

_But, what- what if he doesn't like me? What if he fell for the Harley he met trough the internet and not the pathetic gay kid from Middle o' Nowhere? What if I'm not what he's expecting? What if, once he actually gets to know me, he hates me? What if-_

''Harley'' Abby's calculating eyes softened quickly once she saw how distressed he looked. ''Stop hyperventilating. I can practically  _feel_ your gay panic from where I am.''

''Whatever'' he muttered, too nervous to be able to form a proper sentence.

Abby raised her eyebrows, narrowing her eyes at her brother. ''Who are you? You can't be Harley Keener. My Harley Keener does never,  _ever_ say one word sentences. I'm pretty sure he's incapable of it.''

''Shut up'' he grumbled. She poked him in the cheek, laughing openly when he glared half heartedly at her.

His sister was the kind of person that had an infectious laugh, so he found himself chuckling along with her.

''No but really'' she started again, growing serious once more. ''You, Harley Keener, are amazing. And if he doesn't see that then it's his loss entirely.''

''Thanks, Abs'' he answered, shooting her a half smile.

''There you go'' she smiled brightly and pinched his cheek. ''That's better. Now, how about we play Go Fish until we get there, in what i'm pretty sure will be a failed attempt at calming your nerves down?''

As it turns out, Abby was right. His nerves only increased, which only resulted into Abby smacking his head because he was nervously chewing on the cards. He tried eating, sleeping, watching Umbrella Academy on Netflix but nothing could appease him. Finally, the jet slowed down as they approached the landing area.

Harley turned to his sleeping sister who was drooling on his shoulder and shook her gently.

''Abs''

Nothing.

He shook her again, a little more forcefully this time.

''Abs, we're here''

Still nothing.

Suddenly, his lips twitched upwards in a mischievous smile. He knew just what to do to get her to wake up.

He got up gently so as to not wake her up and tiptoed to the storage closet. He didn't even  _know_ private jets have storage closets, but rules don't apply to Tony Stark so he didn't really question it.

His eyes lit up as he found what he was looking for. He grabbed it and ran back to where his unsuspecting sister was sleeping.

Thank  _god_ no one else was on that plane. For once, he was truly thankful to have a billionaire in his debt.

Turning on the megaphone, he leaned in and brought it to his lips, before all but yelling:

'' _ABBY! WE'RE 'BOUT TO LAND''_

This is where things started taking a slight turn.

Instead of surprising her, which is what he hoped would happen, she shot up and started screaming.

And in the process, she punched him square in the eye.

He fell back with a loud ' _oof_ _'_. Both of them sat back for a moment, stunned, before Abby broke the silence by cackling.

 _The disrespect,_ Harley thought, glaring at the shaking figure.

''I can't- I can't believe that just- just happened'' she gasped out between her fit of giggles.

''You're such a dumbass, Harley, honestly.'' She said once she had recomposed herself.

And then the doors opened. 

___

 

Abby walked out first, looking ten times more confident than Harley felt. But it was normal, that was just the Keener charm. The one Harley mastered on normal days, when he couldn't see possibly the cutest human ever from where he was standing. Taking a deep breath, Harley started climbing down the stairs.

He had barely made it onto the ground when a blur of brown and yellow ran up to him and hugged him. From behind the mystery person's shoulder, he could make out the figures of the mechanic and his little sister talking together animatedly.

The mystery guy smelt like lemon with a hint of cinnamon.

Suddenly, just as quick as he had hugged him, he let go. He was about to ask him who he was when he got a good look at him and  _sweet baby Jesus,_ if this was who he thought it was, he was fucked.

Completely and utterly fucked.

The boy had the fluffiest brown he had ever seen in his life and huge brown doe eyes. He had milky, smooth skin and dimples. His jawline,  _Jesus fucking Christ his jawline._ He had the jawline of a  _god._  

'' _P-Peter?''_ he heard himself say, hating how his voice cracked.

''Yep. That's- uh, that's me.'' replied Peter, a faint blush coating his cheeks. And despite hearing his voice multiple times on voice chats, his soft voice almost sent Harley spiralling into madness.

Peter was 5'8 to his 6'0, so he looked up at Harley through his long, fluttery eyelashes and nervously bit his lip, unknowingly making Harley cry to the heavens on the inside.

_Stop. Stop doing that. I swear to god, it's taking all of my willpower for me not to jump you right here, right now. Someone please take me away before I faint-_

''Ah! Harley!'' Came a cocky voice from behind. ''I see you've finally met Peter''

Harley could practically  _feel_ the smirk in the billionaire's voice. He turned around to glare at him, only to find his sister was sporting the same expression.

_Betrayal._

Eventually, after an awkward silence, he decided to take control of the situation and be the mature young man he is.

''Come on, Pete'' he said, turning around and dragging him along by the hand. ''Show me where I have to go, as your dad seems to be kinda rusty.''

Ignoring they indignant  _hey!_ from behind them, Peter spluttered. ''He- wha- he's not my  _dad_ ''

''Sure, darlin'. Whatever your pretty little brain wants to think''

He turned to look back at his sister log enough to see her making the whipping gesture with her hand.

He flipped her off.

She wasn't exactly wrong, but no one had to know that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so hi  
> i'm sO SO SO SO SO SO SOO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING I JUST  
> IT WAS THE END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR AND I WAS STRESSED BECAUSE STUFF  
> i'll try to update more during the holidays, but who knows. i am unpredictable. i have many layers, kinda like an onion.  
> anywhore, this chapter is kinda very bad  
> now you know why i stick to the twitter format  
> HAPPY HOLIGAYS!!  
> also i just realised how short this was omg  
> -sbidey


	19. peter the non virgin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> traitor- peter don't scroll up your virgin eyes shouldn't be allowed to see this shit
> 
> stronk- lmao virgin

 

stronk- Peter 

traitor- Ned

boneless weank- Flash 

prickly (l)oaf- Abe

soup- Sally

mistress teresa- MJ

simbaHoe- Seymour

sporky- Jason

tally hoe- Betty

moon moon- Cindy

Mr Harrington sir- Mr Harrington

\---

stronk- mee,, bib gae

moon moon- me,,, lesbiab

traitor- lmao we done been knew

sporky- eheheh i have an idea

_sporky changed Mr Harrington sir's name to Mr Ringtone_

_Mr Ringtone left the chat_

tally hoe- aND I OOP-

simbaHoe- he's finally had enough of your bullshit

mistress teresa- woah it's been a full minute and flash hasn't made some snide remark 

prickly (l)oaf- that's because mr crow is tearing him a new asshole for juuling in the bathrooms

stronk- i have never wished to be someone else this much

traitor- bro your boyfriend from tennessee came over you have got to stop drooling every time our physics teacher crosses his arms

stronk- listen here i never asked to be called out like this

stronk- also

stronk- have you seen the way his muscles fLEX 

soup- lmao gay

stronk- and besides he's taking a shower and preparing his room rn i won't see him again until tomorrow :(((

tally hoe- he was juuling in the bathrooms without me

moon moon- since when do you juul

tally hoe- since before your mom fucked your dad you egg

sporky- woah who pissed in ylulr cereal

stronk- ylurl

sporky- stfu you jimmy neutron reject

traitor- peter don't scroll up your virgin eyes shouldn't be allowed to see this shit

stronk- lmao virgin

mistress teresa- wait

soup- are you,,,,, not a virgin??

stronk- no??????? did you guys not know?????????

prickly (l)oaf- my whole life has been a lie wtf

moon moon- tea

traitor- who was it

stronk- sorry i can't hear you i have my airpots in

prickly (l)oaf- airpots

stronk- die

stronk- don't actually die tat wouldn't be good

prickly (l)oaf- tat

stronk- nvm die

sporky- peter that's,,, not how it works

stronk- i don't follow rules, i make them. and when necessary, i break them

traitor- oH NO YOU DON'T

mistress teresa- you won't riverdale your way out of this one partner 

traitor- peter come back here right the fuck now before i break into your house and eat your blender

traitor- peter

stronk- bold of you to assume i can afford a blender

traitor- pETER

___

 

 

 

birb- Sam

sparky- Thor

tincannot- Tony

snekysnek- Loki

cawcawmf- Clint

scarletyeet- Wanda

owouwuowo- Wade

daddylanglegs- Scott

dramatic bitch- Peter

sister sMAPPED- Steve

smolgreenbean- Bruce

barbie wannabe- Bucky

ishurihopeitdoes-  Shuri

just stick to the cards- Rhodey

i can't believe you've done this- Natasha

 

 

 

_**Heroes with a Heart** _

dramatic bitch- i may or may not have accidentally come out to my gc as a non virgin

dramatic bitch- wAIT NO WRONG CHAT 

_dramatic bitch deleted (2) messages_

dramatic bitch- why does this shit always happen to me

i can't believe you've done this- i'm sorry you're a fucking what now

dramatic bitch- out of everyone in this chat you just had to be the one to see it

dramatic bitch- God has truly abandoned us

tincannot- No I'm still here.

tincannot- Anywhore what happened to our dearest Petey pie

dramatic bitch- don't you do it

i can't believe you've done this- this is for budapest

dramatic bitch- plEASE NO IM SORRY

i can't believe you've don't this- peter is apparently not a virgin

ishurihopeitdoes- lmao pete you done fucked up

snekysnek- lmao pete you done fucked up

ishurihopeitdoes- omg bro

snekysnek- omg bro

ishurihopeitdoes- sjadhasjkh im love yiou

snekysnek- sjadhasjkh im love yiou

dramatic bitch- wtf how is that even possible

scarletyeet- ahhahhaha pete you dumbass

owouwuowo- seconded

sister sMAPPED- Ok first of all language and second of all

sister sMAPPED- YOU KNEW AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US!?

barbie wannabe- i definitely did not see that coming

barbie wannabe- oohohohoho i most dEFINITELY DID NOT SEE THAT COMING

dramatic bitch- don't,,,,,,, tell harley? please?

tincannot- i'll think about it

sister sMAPPED- So who was it, son.

dramatic bitch- ok first of all i'm not your son and second of all who was what

sister sMAPPED- Who did you... do the fondue with

just stick to the cards- ROGERS WJKAJHDSKSF

daddylanglegs- ''d o  t h e  f o n d u e''

birb- Steve, my bro, my dude, I don't know how to say this but..

birb- We're in the twenty first century now.

cawcawmf- ok but like fr though who was it

dramatic bitch- nO ONE

sparky- I BELIEVE IT WAS THE YOUNG HARRY OF OSBORN

dramatic bitch- tHOR I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENTIALITY 

sparky- I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WORD, AND THEREFORE IT IS MEANINGLESS

dramatic bitch- i'm eating all your poptarts

sparky- :(

dramatic bitch- and the cabinets they're being held in

sparky- :((

tincannot- You did the fondue with hARRY FUCKING OSBORN

tincannot- You're out of my will

tincannot- I have been betrayed by the one I saw as a son

dramatic bitch- :(((

smolgreenbean- Why do you not like him, Tones?  met him once, he seemed pretty pleasant.

tincannot- Top Ten Anime Betrayals

dramatic bitch- sahjkdh cHOKE

_____

 

**harley <3  ~~ >~~ petey <3**

harley<3- hey so i'm sorry i wasn't free today

petey<3- no worries! it's totally fine

harley<3- nah, i basically came here to spend some time with ym favourite web slinger

petey<3- ym

harley<3- you're lucky you're cute, parker

harley<3- anyways, i was wondering if we could go out for lunch tomorrow? maybe you could show me around?

petey<3- sure! that sounds awesome!

harley<3- great!<3 thanks

petey<3- gotta go patrol, but i'll see you? tomorrow? right?

harley<3- g'night, dork

harley<3- don't die before our first date

petey<3- wait, date?

petey<3- harley?

petey<3- kEEJER

harley<3- keejer

petey<3- :(

harley<3- and yeah, date. unless you don't want it to be a date! which would be totally fine, by the way. no pressure or anything.

petey<3- date

harley<3- oh, ok. see you tomorrow then

harley<3- <3

petey<3- <3

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters? in less than a week? it's a miracle!!  
> should i try adding a plot or just keep on writing my last few brain cell's content  
> i also :)) saw :)) far from home :))  
> and it cured my endgame depression just a tiny bit  
> -sbiderwoman


	20. stabby stab stab

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spider can @sbiderman
> 
> i may have been lightly stabbed and now I may be lightly bleeding out on the sidewalk
> 
>  
> 
> tony stank @sbiderman
> 
> KID
> 
>  
> 
> spider can @spidey 
> 
> only lightly though!!!!!

spider can @sbiderman

Karen text Mr Stark 

 

spider can @sbiderman

WHAT DO YOU MEAN TWEET SENT

 

tony stank @tstank

Kid.

 

spider can @sbiderman

Mr Stark!!!!!! Hi!!!!!!

 

tony stank @tstank

What did you do

 

spider can @tstank

why must you immediately assume I’ve done something

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

because it’s your brand

 

spider can @sbiderman

aw bless

 

tony stank @tstank 

Are you in trouble? Are you hurt?

 

inspiration @Emerald_Break

#irondad

 

spider can @sbiderman 

no!!!!! I’m 100% absolutely irrevocably fine!!!!

 

mj @dumbgaybitch

look at you, using your big boy words

 

mj @dumbgaybitch

incorrectly, might I add

 

spider can @sbiderman

this is panphobia

 

abraham @(crack)er

SPIDER-MAN SAID GAY RIGHTS

 

whatta great time to be @babey

what a legend

___

 

spider can @sbiderman

in other news i just found out my blood is blue

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

I just felt my blood run cold

 

tony stank @tstank

and how, pray tell, did you find that out?

 

spider can @sbiderman

i may have been lightly stabbed and now I may be lightly bleeding out on the sidewalk

 

tony stank @sbiderman

KID

 

spider can @spidey 

only lightly though!!!!!

___

 

tony stank @tstank

Spidey is doing fine, guys. He probably won’t be patrolling today. On a completely unrelated note, @beterbarker got high off of painkillers whilst visiting Spidey and now we can’t find him, so be ready for some really confusing tweets.

 

big pp @beterbarker

wgere you talking aboyt me

 

tony stank @tstank

Absolutely not. Where are you?

 

big pp @beterbarker

immmmmm partying wjth charlie the hnicorn

 

samm.e @birb

oh god no not tHIS SHIT AGAIN-

*****

 

emmy @wishinajar

hey @beterbarker are you gonna go raid Area 51 with us

 

big pp @beterbarker

yesss!!!!! I want a big alien fremd to prottec me

 

big pp @beterbarker

but no kissy thiu becs I liek hrley

 

big pp @beterbarker

hes big tall musel hot man 

 

shuree @bestdisneyprincess

you mean muscle 

 

big pp @beterbarker

yes that

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

EYE-

 

nedDIE @gitc

jinkies.

*****

 

big pp @beterbarker

gAYS

 

yee-raw me @wandahoe

present

 

big pp @beterbarker

MY NAEM

 

nedDIE @gitc

take your time pete

 

big pp @beterbarker

iT SPELS OT PP

 

tony stank @beterbarker

I just heard hysterical laughter we’re coming for you. 

 

big pp @beterbarker

remove me from my sanctuary and I will vore you

 

big pp @beterbarker

the gods have trusted me with their secrets I  w i l l  n o t  l e t  t h e m  d o w n

 

best birb @blintcarton

what does that mean I’m s h a k i n g

 

big pp @beterbarker

that just means your skeleton is ready to hatch

 

tony stank @tstank

I found him.

 

tony stank @tstank

He was in the fucking fridge.

 

tony stank @tstank

He passed out on me.

 

flash @spideystan

he was,,,,, in the fridge???

 

tony stank @tstank 

Yes.

*****

 

_**Heroes With A Heart** _

 

tincannot- [picture of Peter unconscious on a hospital bed with Harley cuddled up besides him]

tincannot- in front of my salad too I can’t believe it

*****

 

emmy @wishinajar

doesnt anyone else find it weird that @beterbarker was high on painkillers during the time Spidey was hospitalized?

 

_[this tweet was deleted]_

 

emmy @wishinajar

holy shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy balls it’s been so long since I’ve updated  
> I guess it’s because my laptop charger broke and it feels kinda weird writing this from the iPad  
> anywhore  
> I’m sorry y’all came for some parley fluff but I kEeP cOcKbLoCkiNg tHeM  
> I promise next chapter will be fluff I pROMISE  
> comments and kudos make me happy :))  
> -sbidey


	21. AN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just an AN

_heyoooo guys!!!_

_im so sorry for updating this late._

_tbh it’s kind of hard for me to make up ideas for this fic._

_i also probably won’t be posting a s  o f t e n during the holidays because my charger broke and I write way more efficiently with my laptop (or until I buy a new charger) but I’ll still try to write a chapter or two._

_i was also thinking about starting a Middle Ages parkner au? just an idea. let me know what you guys think!_

_that really all I wanted to say. sorry for the long wait!_

 

_also something else_

_it’s completely unrelated but I didn’t want to write an AN right after an AN._

_PLEASE!!! SEPARATE!!! YOUR PARAGRAPHS!!!!_

_im not saying this so be rude or mean and if this offends you I’m sorry._

_i don’t care if English isn’t your first language. I don’t care if you wrote the story at 4am in the morning whilst eating space cakes. I’ll read the story anyways, and as long as it isn’t outrageously boring or outright scandalous I’ll leave a kudos and drop a comment. you don’t have to be fluent to be talented!_

_but let me tell you, when I click an a story that sounds NICE and FUN and i see just_

_a CHUNK OF WRITING that’s 50 LINES LONG for the FIRST CHAPTER_

_i immediately click out of the story._

_i just can’t! it stresses me out! I hate it!_

_PLEASE, PEOPLE. STRUCTURE YOUR PARAGRAPHS._

 

_mucho love,_

_-sbidey_


	22. fluff aaaaaaa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As soon as he heard about the stab wound, he rushed to the med bay faster than humanly possible.
> 
> (this chapter happens during the time peter was unconscious in the last chapter he's not kidnapped or anything)  
> (this is crack treated seriously we don't have plots here)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there you go. fluff for you guys because i was re reading your comments on my previous chapters and they made me smile so  
> all of my love and affection in the form of a chapter  
> well not all of it bc we still have the kiss to write *wink wonk*

When Harley said he felt his blood run cold, he wasn't kidding. The moment he read that tweet his heart started beating erratically. Never have 11 words been more confusing and concerning, ever (except for maybe ''Harley, sweetie, your father left to buy scratchers two years ago''). As soon as he heard about the stab wound, he rushed to the med bay faster than humanly possible.

He arrived just in time to see Spider-Man- no,  _Peter's_ bloody, unconscious body being dragged to one of the spare beds on a stretcher, a distressed Tony following not too far behind. Without wasting any time, he marched up to Tony.

''-Tony! Tony, oh my fuck, thank god. Is he ok? Will he heal? He'll be ok, right? Please, please tell me he'll be ok, Tony-''

He was cut off by Tony's arms encasing him and stroking his hair gently.

''He'll be ok, Hars'' he murmured, his voice slightly muffled by the younger's hair. ''I promise''

They stayed like that for a moment before Tony made a move to leave.

''Where are you going?'' he asked, his voice wavering.

Something dark passed over Tony's eyes, before he replied in a stony voice.

''The bastard that did this to him got away.''

Harley's eyes darkened.

''Give him hell, Tony''

' _Oh, if only you knew'_  Tony thought.

*****

 

After Tony left, Harley turned to where Peter's bed was covered by curtains. He slowly made his way over there and pulled them open, to reveal his best friend's (who he happened to have an immense crush on) body hooked up to various tubes linked to a heart monitor beeping steadily. He made his way to one of the cheap plastic chairs on the side of his bed and sat down.

He made to grab Peter's hands, gently stroking the bruised knuckles with his calloused thumb. Of course he had known about Peter being Spider-Man, and he thought he was prepared, he really did. But when he came face to face with proof that Spider-Man wasn't invincible, he was a real person under the mask- ( _not just any real person- Peter_ ), he had to admit that nothing could have prepared him for that. 

God, how could Pepper handle it, knowing the her husband, one of the people she loved the most in the world was in mortal danger every time he put a suit on? They weren't even dating (yet) and Harley couldn't bare the thought of something happening to Peter, something  _permanent_.

Because, in the end, Peter had also become something permanent in his life. Along with his adoring mom and wonderful sister and amazing family, he was one of the most important people in his life. He knew Peter had gone through much more than him and yet in those few short months he had been there for Harley more than any of his friends at Rose Hill had ever been. Harley had huge family, and he wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, even his particularly annoying cousin Elsie who insisted on never wearing pants.

He was scared. He had known Peter for a few months, and yet he could barely remember life without him. Everyone told him he looked better ever since he met him, smiling and laughing more, radiating a general aura of happiness. He was scared, because he had never felt these feelings before in his entire life and he didn't know what he would do if he lost Peter, because  _god fucking damn it he lov-_

Just then, his thoughts were cut off by gentle stirring on the bed next to him. Harley immediately perked up.

''Pete''

He felt a hand squeeze his fingers. He tried again,

''Pete?''

''Hr'l? Wht'r you doin in my room'' Peter slurred sleepily. Harley chuckled lightly. Even in his sleep indulged haze, Peter was adorable.

''You're not in your room, darlin'. You're in the med bay, and I'm here because I'm worried for you.''

Peter blinked lazily.

''Oh'' he turned to face harley, not quite opening his eyes yet ''Tht's sweet of you, Hr'l. Y'r so nice. A'n- a'n pretty''

Harley felt a blush creeping up his neck.

''Oh, is that so?''

''Yes. I w'n ask you 'n a date. But y' cn't tell, b'cause I wan' it to be a s'cret''

''A-alright, darlin'. How about you get some rest and ask him when ya wake up?'' stammered Harley.

''Yeah. Yeah tha's'' he got cut off by a huge (adorable) yawn ''tha's a good idea. Y'r smart. But y'l r'mind me, right? To 'sk Hr'l out?''

'' 'Course I will.''

''k'' he simply said, letting out a content sigh. ''G'night, H'rl''

''G'night, darlin' '' Harley answered, pressing a soft kiss to the younger boy's forehead.

Harley fell asleep to the steady beat of the heart monitor red, puffy eyes and a swelling heart.

*****

 

When he woke up, Peter was nowhere to be seen, his loose tubes hanging from the side of the bed, looking as if they had been ripped out of where they had previously been in.

_Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally got a new charger hehe  
> also i'm going to write the middle ages au!!!! (yayyyyyy!!!) i already planned everything in my mini booklet and ill start writing it either sometime this week or next week. all i can tell you is that its gonna be a wild ride (muahahahah I'm evil)  
> also, i have theatre came this week and its so fun but its also stressful bc we have to learn tons of stuff by friday  
> just keep swimming amirite  
> this is getting long so bye, beautiful people!!!!  
> (comments make me happy :)) )  
> -sbideyyy


	23. another AN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stuffs

_Hey_ _guys!!_

_i hate writing ANs but this is unfortunately not an update (IM SORRY I have no idea what to write but i AM working on the parkner middle ages au even though i was supposed to post the first chapter a few weeks ago)_

_so uhhh I joined a discord server a while ago based off of a fic (_ https://archiveofourown.org/works/19770082/chapters/46800127  _go read it its amazing) and its really fun n fresh but there aren't many people atm._

 _so if you wanna join us just dm me (_ beter borker#6307) or the admins (Samwitch #9519, Drugs and Candy #7422) 

 _y_ _ou_ _also have to choose a character, and the ones that are taken right now are peter, shuri, harley, natasha, clint, ned, wade and america_

_(again, id suggest reading the fic before choosing characters so you have an idea of who is available and their plot line, kinda)_

_thanks for your time and i swear ill try to post the first chapter soon_

_y'all are amazing and ilu <33_

_-sbidey_


	24. tik tok tings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jen @rawwwwwwwr
> 
> @screeeeeeech you just had a whole conversation with The Black Widow and The Scarlet Witch, pretty lesbians extraordinaire. how do you feel?
> 
>  
> 
> >>harp @screeeeeeech
> 
> yes
> 
>  
> 
> >>>jen @rawwwwwwwr
> 
> understandable have a nice day

flash @spideystan

wow i really am boo boo the fool aren't i

 

big pp @beterbarker

:((( why

 

flash @spideystan

no one asked you

 

big pp @beterbarker

i see the type of person you are

 

flash @spideystan

oh do you now

 

big pp @beterbarker

yeah yknow i might even tell everyone about that one time at denny's to prove you're that person

 

flash @spideystan

i know where you live

 

jack @frost

wait what happened at denny's 

 

flash @spideystan

we don't talk about that.

 

big pp @spideystan 

ok but why are you boo boo the fool bls eggsblain

 

flash @spideystan

my roblox gf just dumped me 

 

big pp @beterbarker

,,,,,,why

 

flash @spideystan

turns out she's a 40 year old married man who lives in bangladesh

 

flash @spideystan

he admitted to it this morning and was all like ''I'm really sorry, ill always love you, ill never forget the moments we passed together playing jailbreak, royal high and pokemon brick bronze'' before i blocked him and reported him to his local police department.

 

nedDIE @gitc

goddamn

 

 

 

*****

 

big pp @beterbarker

mindfuck of the day: is your vsco girlfriend really thicc or does she just have skskskskscoliosis

 

VSCO @vsco

Our vsco girlfriend is, in fact, extremely thicc, thanks to the new feature we've added! Download our app for more exclusive content and an unlimited, priceless photographical experience.

 

big pp @beterbarker

wow vsco really just used my shitpost to advertise their app,,,,, how could they do me dirty like that smh

 

shur.e @bestdisneyprincess

i took buzzfeed's quiz and apparently I'm an?????? insta baddie???????

 

shur.e @bestdisneyprincess

here take the quiz and come cry on my shoulder once you find out your whole life has been a lie: <https://www.buzzfeed.com/siennahowe/which-type-of-tiktok-girl-are-you-81pdcyutlw>

 

big pp @beterbarker

i am NOT a soft girl i am the MOST intimidating person out there

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

im an egirl,,,,, which is completely fine by me they're not that bad

 

big pp @beterbarker

@awesomesexybeast will you be the e-boy to my soft boy

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

only for you darlin ;))

 

salty peppery @ppotts

Harley, please refrain from calling him darlin when he's near a window. We've already had to call the glazier five times this month.

 

tony stank @tstank

I'm a vsco girl???? What the shit even is that?????

 

big pp @beterbarker

YOU ARE HEREBY BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

ew goddamn alvinist

 

tony stank @tstank

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SAYING I MAY HAVE FOUNDED PART OF THE INTERNET BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN I REGULARLY CHECK UP ON IT

 

exasperated @rhoady

That sounds like child neglect to me.

 

tony stank @tstank

Oh yeah want me to tell them about that one time at the zoo near MIT 

 

exasperated @rhoady

ENOUGH SAID MOVE ON HAVE A NICE DAY

 

yee-raw me @wandahoe

im an e-girl apparently

 

harp @screeeeeeech

gosh darn diddly dang,,,,,,, The scarlet witch in an e-girl outfit,,,,,,,, cease beating wildly oh lesbian heart

 

>>yee-raw me @wandahoe

gee thanks ;))

 

>>i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

She's taken.

 

>>>yee-raw me @wandahoe

you really have to take all the fun away don't you

 

>>>harp @screeeeeeech

OH OK MISS BLACK WIDOW MAAM OFC I WASNT ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT IT I KNOW SHES YOURS AND OFF LIMITS BUT YOU'RE BOTH HOT PLS RUN ME OVER WITH YOUR MOTORCYCLE OK BYE

 

>>>>i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

Sorry I only run people over on Fridays. On Mondays you get choked ;))

 

>>>>>yee-raw me @wandahoe

yes pls

 

>>>>>> i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

On my way to your room don't move.

 

>>>>>>>yee-raw me @wandahoe

absolutely yes maam

 

*****

 

jen @rawwwwwwwr

@screeeeeeech you just had a whole conversation with The Black Widow and The Scarlet Witch, pretty lesbians extraordinaire. how do you feel?

 

>>harp @screeeeeeech

yes

 

>>>jen @rawwwwwwwr

understandable have a nice day

 

>>>>harp @screeeeeeech

and you don't even know most of it

 

*****

 

mj @dumbgaybitch

did you guys know that most laughs you hear in sitcoms were recorded in the 1950-60s, so most of the people you hear laughing are dead?

 

sally @lafayeet

the joke's on you i hear dead people laughing all the time 

 

sailor @moonmoon

hey babe what the fuck does that mean are you ok

 

betty brant @badnboojee

is this because of your abandoned nintendogs again

 

sally @lafayeet

sometimes, in the middle of the night, i still hear their whimpers...

 

*****

 

abraham @(crack)er

to this day, my biggest regret was kicking my aunt's cat because i accidentally put my foot in its asshole until it basically looked like an ugg boot

 

big pp @beterborker

dude that's so totally rad

 

exasperated @rhoady

Every day the new generation are making themselves heard all around the world, they're causing more change than any politician all around the world and I truly believe that there is still some hope for the planet. But then they do this.

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

you're just jealous cause you don't have any ugg boots

 

*****

 

 big pp @beterborker

i try sneaking up on harley but I'm dummy thicc and the clap of my asscheeks keep on alerting him of my presence

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

or maybe it's just because you knocked down two shelves and broke the tv on your way up

 

big pp @beterborker

goddammit

 

tony stank @tstank

WAIT THAT WAS YOU

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for not posting but school has been rough enjoy all my incoherent late night thoughts while i actually try to write a legible understandable chapter thank you for reading pls send help i can feel the weight of my sins


	25. first day back: national faceplant day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> big pp @beterbarker
> 
> i am FINALLY out of bed rest and ready to take on school
> 
>  
> 
> flash @spideystan
> 
> you missed seven exams, two essays and three oral presentations
> 
>  
> 
> big pp @beterbarker
> 
> what the fuck i was out for a week
> 
>  
> 
> flash @spideystan
> 
> what can i say the american school system amirite. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating but i have no inspiration i have no idea where this is going   
> also look at that actual words and phrases for once why am i doing that i suck at that

big pp @beterbarker

i am FINALLY out of bed rest and ready to take on school

 

flash @spideystan

you missed seven exams, two essays and three oral presentations

 

big pp @beterbarker

what the fuck i was out for a week

 

flash @spideystan

what can i say the american school system amirite. 

 

*****

Peter looked up from his phone and groaned. He was still laying in his bed, snuggled under the covers, wearing one of Harley's old hoodies that smelt surprisingly like his future boyfriend. Or so he hoped. 

"Fuck this"

"What's that?" he heard a voice with a unfairly hot for six in the morning southern drawl come from his door.

"Fuck you. You didn't tell me we had six exams, and three oral presentations." he moaned.

"Seven exams, actually. Eight if you count the pacer test today." Harley answered smugly.

Peter shot up from his bed. Harley snorted at his mop of mussed fluffy hair and his bloodshot eyes.

"Are you telling me," Peter asked slowly, spitting each word out venomously, "we have the pacer test and you didn't tell me about it?" 

Harley rolled his eyes.

"Well, yeah, because you weren't supposed to be out of bed rest for another  _week._ I was gonna tell you. Y'know, eventually. What's the big deal, anyways? It'll be a breeze, what with your freaky spider baby powers."

"Ok first of all, fuck off. My powers are respectable grown adult powers. And you wouldn't enjoy it either if you face planted head first into a pile of shit and then into a pile of leaves and left looking like a hippie Chewbacca." Peter bit out.

A silence reigned for a few seconds, before Harley burst into laughter.

Not just any laughter. Hysterical, donkey-wheeze, rolling on the floor clutching your stomach, tears rolling down your cheeks laughter.

"Yeah, that's right" Peter sighed. "And ever since then people at school have been acting like it's some kind of national holiday, coming to school with green painted faces and leaves in their hair."

"Well that's just- that's just amazing. Ya really are a jewel to this country. A gem. What would we do without you" Harley wheezed out, still chuckling. Suddenly, he got up.

"Well then-" he started, shooting Peter a mischievous glance over his shoulder, "I better get going. Ya'know, let'cha prepare a lil bit for today".

And with that, he marched out of the room while Peter was totally not staring at his ass.

*****

Ten minutes, two shirts and a broken toothbrush later, Peter found himself sitting on the kitchen island, inhaling his third cup of coffee until Tony marched in, starkpad in hand. He made a beeline for Peter and in one swift motion took away Peter's cup.

"Ah ah ah, I thought we've been over this. No coffee for the spider-baby in the mornings."

Peter got up, marched towards the coffee pot and downed the whole thing in three gulps, leaving Tony with his jaw on the floor and a horrified look on his face.

"How-" he started, half fascinated and half terrified. "How did you do that? I didn't even think it was possible to unhinge your jaw like that. The way all that coffee made its way down your throat defies all laws of physics. Teach me how to do it now."

Peter just levelled him with an unimpressed glare. Tony whistled.

"No need to get your spandex in a twist,  _cucciolo._ It's your first day back at school, shouldn't you be excited?"

The young hero just grunted in response.

"Well alright then, Fred Flintstone. You got everything with you? Backpack?"

Grunt.

"Lunch?"

Grunt.

"Essays?"

Moan.

"None of that, buddy. Shouldn't have gotten yourself stabbed. Books?"

Grunt.

"Breakfast?"

Pause.

"Unacceptable. Check your pockets."

Peter put his hands in his pocket and pulled out a cereal bar. He started checking it for poison, before his eyes lit up.

"Ooh, chocolate chips!" He said, satisfied. Tony smirked.

"Well, of course. I know how to trick my kid into eating his fiber."

"Of course you do" said Peter, rolling his eyes. 

"Yes, I do, you menace. Harley's waiting for you in the car, said something about an emergency. Get out of here. Don't have too much fun and drink responsibly."

"Tony, I'm going to school"

"I know."

Peter shot him a weird look, before carefully backing out, leaving Tony to happily munch on some chocolate covered blueberries.

He raced downstair, receiving a couple of weird looks from the employees and texted a quick goodbye to May who had presumedly not woken up yet. When ran towards the black SUV parked in front of the doors, got in and shut the door behind him.

"Good morning, Happy! Im ready to gAHH" He started, but was interrupted by a very girly shriek that definitely did not belong to him and a green Harley in front of his face.

"Wh- y- wha- it- y- you're green!" Peter stuttered out, staring at Harley wide-eyed.

"Good job, Sherlock." answered Harley with a smirk.

"Is this because of this morning."

"Noooooo..." trailed off Harley, after catching Peter's blasé expression. "...ooyes. That's absolutely definitely it, because I love making you blush."

"Oh, do you now?" asked Peter, his eyebrow raised. 

"Yeah. Speaking of, where's your holiday cheer? I don't see a speck of green on you."

"Well then" said Peter, feeling bold, leaning into Harley. "Mind if I borrow some of yours?"

Harley, unresponsive at the moment, mesmerised by the way Peter looked up at him, mumbled an incoherent response.

"Because," continued Peter, "I think I wouldn't look too bad with green on my lips. Maybe some on my neck." 

Harley gulped, his adam's apple bobbing up.

Peter leaned in closer, and closer, and closer, until-

-until he smudged some green off with his finger and smeared it on his cheek.

Harley breathed, still as ever, eyes locked on Peter's.

"I don't really think green suits me, after all" said Peter before pulling pack, pushing the door open and bounding up the steps to the school. 

Harley sat frozen and speechless, watching Peter greet Ned, MJ and Flash and head inside before he finally got to his senses.

"PETER!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I STREAMED B99 AND NOW I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD ALL THE REFERENCES  
> THERE ARE SO MANY B99 REFERENCES IN FICS  
> SO SO SO MANY  
> AND NOW EVERY TIME I READ ONE I GO WINK WONK TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR  
> other than that i flunked a german exam because of said obsession but it was worth it  
> -sb99der

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just a smol almost teenage girl please don't hurt me.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Home / Twitter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20091655) by [YellowSniper64](https://archiveofourown.org/users/YellowSniper64/pseuds/YellowSniper64)
  * [cryo chamber? More like crying chamber](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21266141) by [sarcasticbarnes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasticbarnes/pseuds/sarcasticbarnes)




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